Elspeth
by LisaDouglas
Summary: "Elsie Hughes." She'd never been a Carson; she hadn't had the proper chance. "My Elsie Hughes…I miss you, if only you could tell me…please show me what to do." Carson raises his daughter all alone.
1. More Than My Heart Can Take

Ch 1- More Than My Heart Can Take

November 1919

Charles Carson was tired. His whole body ached from exhaustion and he thought he might collapse as he made his way down the road and back to his humble house, his tiny treasure sound asleep on his shoulder. He didn't even know why he'd asked Lord Grantham for a house now that he didn't have Elsie there to share it with but it had made sense at the time. Mrs. Patmore had been against the idea but he'd insisted.

'It'll be a proper home for Elspeth just as her mother wanted,' he'd said.

And a proper home it was…only it was a home they were almost never at. He found the place wanting, void of Elsie's warmth and love. Sometimes returning to it in the evening made him feel all the more empty inside, as if there was a gaping hole in his soul, and caused him to wish that he and his young daughter had stayed living at Downton.

"Hmmm Daddy." She whispered, beginning to stir as he opened their door.

"Shu Elspeth, my lovely girl just go back to sleep."

There'd been a dinner party that night. It was exceptionally late and Mrs. Patmore had put on Elspeth's nightgown and gotten her ready for bed long before she and her father had left the abbey. He took her upstairs first thing when they got home and tucked her into bed, kissing her forehead.

"Mama." She cried under her breath.

His heart sank and he found himself crushed by the fact that his child was wanting for a mother she'd never met. She'd been doing so much of it lately: crying for her, asking questions about her, talking about her. Carson might confess to you that it was all a bit much for him to handle. In fact, it was ripping him apart just as he was beginning to really feel again.

"Good night my treasure." He whispered smiling bittersweetly as he placed her stuffed bear under her tiny arm. She cuddled it in her sleep and turned on her side beginning to snore.

Carson closed her door quietly and retired to his own quarters, his heart heavy. Sometimes he wondered if he'd done the right thing in keeping the girl, but he knew he'd never had wanted to go on with out her, that precious piece of his Elsie, and that it would've dishonored her memory to surrender the child. She, after all, was what Mrs. Hughes had given her life for.

He walked into his room and picked up a pillow off his bed. It had once been hers and even after all this time, still smelled of her. He needed the comfort she brought him more than he could say, especially on days like this when his daughter challenged him and he wasn't sure he could go on. It wasn't that she'd done anything mischievous, she was after all, part Carson. But she was quite the little Mrs. Hughes…or at least, that's what Thomas had called her earlier in the day, much to Elspeth's delight.

Carson could've throttled him for the comment. It didn't matter that it was true, it hurt him and he couldn't stand to think of her that way, although many times he couldn't help it. Elspeth was quite the snoop, always helping people, and most of all, it seemed that by the day she grew more and more into Elsie's features. As much as he adored her it was sometimes difficult for him to handle, especially when he still saw his late love everywhere he looked. This was why he'd called the child Elspeth but never Elsie: because he couldn't bear to do it.

He sat on the edge of his bed, his nose buried deep in Elsie's pillow.

"What do I do?" He whispered as he began to cry. "I want to do well by her Elsie, I love her more than anything…but sometimes missing you is much too much and it feels like my heart can't take it anymore."

The butler would never admit this to anyone. Since Mrs. Hughes' passing, he'd remained staunch and emotionless when it came to the subject of Elsie Hughes, only showing his true feelings to Lord Grantham, Mrs. Patmore and of course Elspeth…when she was a baby. He'd wanted people to assume that he'd coldly moved forward after she died, but it was everyone's understanding, that he was damaged and had never recovered from the deep pain he'd been suddenly submerged in one freezing November night. Little Elspeth, on the other hand, didn't understand that her father had feelings about it one way or the other, or that she brought him great pain as well as joy.

Carson climbed into bed, still hugging the pillow. He felt unspeakably lonely and cold to the core. He stared into the night, unable to close his eyes for fear he'd see what he always did at night: the warmth of her smile and the flash of her deep blue eyes staring back at him. He couldn't take it; she was everywhere, even in the pitch black of the night and he couldn't confide in a soul.

"Elsie Hughes." She'd never been a Carson; she hadn't had the proper chance. "My Elsie Hughes…I miss you, if only you could tell me…please show me what to do."

After a while Carson succumbed to sleep, still clutching his love's pillow for comfort. His eyes were shut tight, giving him the appearance of being pained as he slept. A hand ran through his hair and down his jaw very suddenly, caressing his cheek affectionately.

"I'm here my Charlie. I love you so much and all you have to do is listen." She whispered, leaning down to kiss his forehead. Carson sighed in his sleep, growing comfortable instantly as the apparition disappeared into the night.


	2. No Ghosts

Ch 2- No Ghosts

*Author's Note: Thanks for all the great reviews. I'm glad you guys like it so far; I'm also really excited about this story. I wanted to also take a moment to address the guest reviewer who was upset about my starting something new without finishing old things. I appreciate the comment. First, I've never been one to start something and finish it…without working on four or five other things at the same time. I'm just not orderly in that very traditional way. Rest assured though that I plan on finishing the older stories.

"Come along Elspeth, we can't be late today." Carson reminded, taking his daughter's hand as they walked.

They'd gone into town early that morning before going to the abbey. He'd needed to run a few errands and had decided to get them out of the way expediently. He didn't notice that his little girl stared back at the churchyard as they walked, her teddy bear dangling from her hand. Elspeth could feel her father quickly drag her along. She didn't know what it was exactly, but felt this amazing pull within her, urging her to stay behind and enter the cemetery.

"Daddy…"

"I know you're hungry Elspeth how about a cookie or two when we get to the kitchen?"

Originally, Carson had been far more stern of a father. At first he'd been strict with his daughter and with rules regarding her care. When she was a baby, for example, he never would've found cookies to be a proper breakfast. Now he realized that life was short, so it might as well be happy. As her sole parent he also realized it was his responsibility, more so than most fathers, to try to find a fine balance between order and affection. This was something he had a difficult time doing even today.

"Daddy I wanna… eeek!" Elspeth was just about to ask her father if he'd take her into the churchyard when she felt herself being lifted off the ground.

Sometimes she hated it when her father lifted her this high. It was such a long way to travel and she found that her stomach did flips until she was firmly on top of his strong shoulders. Truthfully, Carson didn't really have the strength to carry her all that way but he couldn't resist the opportunity to carry the child. Her birthday was coming soon and it was a stark reminder that she wouldn't be little forever. He wanted to hold his piece of Elsie close while he still could and moreover, spoil her.

"It's wanted not, 'wanna.' And you wanted to what, my lovely girl?" He asked, taking her feet in his hands to ensure she wouldn't fall off his shoulders.

"N-nothing." Her breath caught in her throat, she didn't feel she could explain.

"Is this about your birthday?"

"No Daddy." She sighed, resting her chin atop his head.

Carson had planned on doing something special for the girl's fifth birthday in a few days. He was nervous about it and hoped she wasn't too young to appreciate what he was going to do. It was very special and he didn't want it to be lost on her. She was still so very little. But Mrs. Patmore and Lady Grantham both found it a good idea but despite the advice of the women in his life who helped him raise his daughter he still wasn't sure.

"Daddy?" She asked, thoughts of the cemetery still lingering in the back of her little mind as she watched a group of older children skip off to school.

In truth Elspeth was confused by so many things by the absence of her mother (which had never been fully explained to her), by her draw to the churchyard and finally why she didn't go to school.

"Daddy."

"Yes."

"Daddy why don't I go to school?"

Carson paused, swallowing a lump in his throat when she asked this. He took a moment to collect himself before answering. He and Mrs. Patmore had fought about this earlier in the year. She thought she was ready to go and he found her too young. In the end, he'd won the argument simply by nature of the fact that he was the child's father and refused to enroll her. After that, he'd admitted quietly to himself that perhaps she was almost old enough but that he was not yet ready to let her go. He'd promised Mrs. Patmore that he would send her next year and he completely dreaded it.

"You're much too young." He told her.

Mrs. Patmore had warned, even nagged him about the fact that Elspeth could be fourteen and thinking about boys, and he'd still say she was too young for most everything. He'd replied of course, by shouting that she was just a little girl.

"When will I be old enough?"

"Next year." He sighed. "Is this because of Lady Sybil?"

"Lonely Daddy." She confided, wrapping her arms around his neck.

Carson felt bad. Lady Sybil had been his daughter's only real playmate from the time she was very small and she'd run off to marry a man he did not approve of: this too confused Elspeth very much. How was it bad for her to marry Branson if he was a servant and so were they? The whole thing was intriguing to the young girl and made her feel more accepted upstairs in a way she didn't understand. It would be many years before she would make sense of the fact that that was her mother's more liberal side shining through.

"I'm sorry for that, my Elspeth." He said, putting her back on her feet and taking her hand as they approached the house.

The child gave a sad sigh and gazed down at her feet as they made their way up the gravel path. He stopped her and got on his knees to face her.

"Daddy is busy, but he promises that he'll make more time just to play with you, would you like that?" She nodded quickly. "That's my girl." He smiled, quickly lifting her off her feet again, causing the child to giggle wildly. He laughed, kissing her cheek, her happiness the only thing that ever truly comforted him.

Elspeth loved the moments when her father loved her like this. He didn't realize they were precious to her and a relief. She was so confused about the world, and about her place in things and he didn't even realize it. She knew her mother was dead and burried in the churchyard, and she understood that somehow that had occurred as a result of her birth. Having not had any of this fully explained to her, the little girl assumed that she had been the one to cause her mother's death. And sometimes, even though she knew that it wasn't true, she assumed her father disliked her for it.

'Oh Daddy you do love me.' She wanted to say as he carried her inside the house, she was still giggling a mile a minute. She often mistook his sternness in his job as displeasure with her.

Mrs. Patmore smiled, watching the scene before her as Carson put Elspeth down and began to remove her little coat. He was such a good Daddy; more so than he knew, and she wished her friend were around to see it.

"Elspeth, come here my love." Mrs. Patmore smiled, opening her arms to the little girl. She giggled and ran from her father's arms to Beryl's. "It's breakfast isn't it love? Would you like some muffins, Daisy just took them out of the oven."

Carson sighed, watching as Beryl took his child off his hands and led her into the kitchen. He was free to work now but felt he was never really free; thoughts of Elspeth and especially his Elsie were never far from his mind. This is why he called the child Elspeth but never Elsie: to honor her mother's memory.

He hung up his own coat and began the short walk to his pantry, passing his love's empty and long abandoned sitting room in the process. He stopped dead when her soft humming floated to his ears and saw his love out of the corner of his eye, sitting at her desk overlooking some ledgers. He froze, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, trying to gather every single sound she made as she hummed, and inhale as much of the scent of her lingering perfume as possible. In those moments he could lie to himself and pretend she was there, working as she always had, thinking of him and that maybe she even held their child in her arms. He'd only had a chance to witness that the one time

Carson felt himself break after a few seconds, a tear sliding down his cheek when reality hit and he knew she wasn't really there with him. He turned to see a dark, empty office. There was no life there and by the same token there were certainly no ghosts.


	3. Close Your Eyes

Ch 3- Close Your Eyes

"That's enough sweetheart." Mrs. Patmore laughed.

Elspeth stood on a chair so she could be high enough to reach the counter where Beryl and Daisy were working, preparing that afternoon's luncheon. The little girl snacked, sampling the all the food they were in the midst of preparing. Beryl thought it was getting a little out of hand.

"She must be growing." Daisy observed.

"Well of course, she's the birthday girl, aren't you my sweet?"

Beryl was emotional about the occasion of the little girl's fifth birthday. It would mark five years since their worlds changed forever in the best and the worst of ways. This child she'd had the privilege of helping to raise brought the greatest joy to her heart, but she missed her friend and felt guilty everyday, knowing that Elsie should've been the one to care for this girl and to take joy in her. She, after all, had wanted her so much.

It confused the cook that her friend, the child's biological mother, had taken on all the pain of motherhood and yet somehow _she_ was the one reaping the rewards for it. Elsie had treasured the child, planned for her, and couldn't wait to meet her. She'd been excited even during the worst of the birth pains and then suddenly, in what seemed like a moment, everything fell apart.

Beryl had known something was very wrong, back when it happened and she still felt guilty that she hadn't been able to save her. She'd done what she could, frantically trying to get Dr. Clarkson to listen to her concerns but it had been all for not. Clarkson later told her that even if he'd known or agreed with her at the time, there would've been nothing he could've done to save the new mother. Beryl shook her head, trying to get the thoughts out of her mind. They haunted her everyday.

"You really fancy the carrots, just like your Mum when she was having you. She couldn't get enough of them." Beryl told her, laughing at the memory. At the time, she'd thought it was an odd thing to crave.

"I thought Mummy liked chocolate heart candies when I was in her tummy."

Beryl and Daisy looked up suddenly, stopping their work when she said this.

"Love who told ya that?" Beryl asked. Carson never spoke of Elsie's pregnancy so she knew it was not him who'd said it.

"Mummy did." She said quietly, wondering why they clearly thought the remark was so strange.

This kind of thing happened quite often and Beryl did not know what to make of it.

"L-love I think its time for your tea with her ladyship. Can you be a big girl and scramble upstairs by yourself?" She asked, lifting the girl off the chair and putting her, boots first, on the ground.

"Yes I can! I love you auntie." She kissed her cheek.

"I love you too, go on, go upstairs!"

Daisy spoke once she was sure that the little girl was out of earshot.

"How does she know these things about Mrs. Hughes? It creeps me out."

No one had ever told the girl that her father had doted on her mother while she was pregnant. He made sure she rested, he rubbed her feet, waited on her, coddled her and every few days brought her a package of heart-shaped chocolate candies from a bakery in the village. Becoming a father had turned the harsh butler into someone very warm and loving, and while Elsie had always seen that side of him, it was almost unsettling for the staff. After Mrs. Hughes' death though, he'd reverted to being the stern figure he always had been: worse even. Even Elspeth had never seen that very loving side of her father.

Mrs. Patmore didn't say anything for a moment as Daisy continued chopping vegetables. For a long time she thought the child was crazy, or perhaps just desperate to have some sort of contact with the mother she'd never known. And now she understood, after Elspeth had demonstrated knowledge of so many things she could not know, that perhaps she just knew or that maybe…

"Perhaps…" Beryl stopped herself. She didn't want Daisy to think she was crazy.

"Perhaps what?" Daisy questioned.

Both of them knew Carson wouldn't have mentioned such things to Elspeth. He didn't discuss Elsie's pregnancy and most of the time, unless the child was pressing him, he refused to even discuss Elsie. Beryl wouldn't dare to bring up Elspeth's knowledge to him but she was beginning to understand that she would have to soon.

"Perhaps her mother looks after her." Beryl sighed.

"Ya-ya mean from beyond the grave?" Daisy cringed.

"Daisy my love, stranger things have happened. Elsie loved that girl so much."

Mrs. Patmore knew more than she could say. Elspeth had been a surprise, but nonetheless a wanted child, despite the fact that her parents had never married. It had been a confidence Elsie shared once she first got the news she was pregnant. To this day, even Carson didn't realize how much Beryl knew about the intimate life he'd had with Elsie, the one that had been kept a secret for years and had been shared only when Mrs. Hughes could no longer conceal the baby under her corset.

"M-maybe you should discuss it with Mr. Carson." Daisy pushed and Beryl jumped.

"Do you have any clue how difficult it is to parent with him? I don't know how Elsie would've done it!"

There would've been quite a bit of fighting, and then quite a bit of conceding because he loved her. That's how it would've happened. But his parenting relationship with Beryl was far more contentious than all that.

"You can't be serious." Beryl laughed, putting down the knife she'd been using. Daisy stared back at the cook, understanding now that she was trying to hide how upset she was. "Excuse me love." Beryl laughed, drying her tears with her apron before leaving the room. Daisy stopped, listening as Beryl made her way down the hall and continued to cry.

"Oh Mrs. Hughes where are ya?" Daisy whispered.

Beryl silenced her tears, making her way into Elsie's empty sitting room and shutting the door. She sat down and buried her face in her hands. She knew she'd have to breach this uncomfortable subject with Mr. Carson just as she had countless others: his choice in second godmother (which, she thought would make Elsie roll over in her grave), Elspeth's sleeping schedule, her teething, walking, more recently school…and most importantly, the matter of Elsie Hughes.

"You haunt these walls that I know…" She bit her lip. Beryl knew. She'd seen her once or twice. "Because you're not at rest. How could you be? On your dying breath you asked me to take care of her. She is the image of you and the…" Beryl searched for a word. "The whole of you. You'd be so proud, but please … tell me how Elsie, how do I take care of her and more over, how do I handle Mr. Carson?"

…..

"Hello Elspeth my dear." Cora greeted as the girl stepped shyly into the room.

Elspeth was hesitant at first, but Cora held out her arms for the child who forgot all propriety and ran into them. Cora kissed her cheek twice. She spent an hour a day with Elspeth, just as she would've her own child. From the beginning, the point had been to be yet another maternal influence in the girl's life and to give Mrs. Patmore a break from her. More recently, the almost five year old had filled a hole left in Cora's heart, made when Sybil had left suddenly to marry Branson. Since then, she and the small child had grown close.

"Hiii." Elspeth squealed.

"Hello my darling, how are you?"

"Good. I have a question!"

"Oh!" Cora smiled. "Well I'd be happy to try and answer sweet…"

Cora and Elspeth looked up suddenly when they heard someone clear their throat. Mary stood in the doorway, wearing her riding habit. The little girl looked back at her godmother with doe eyes. She had understood from a young age, that Mary was supposed to be special to her, that Daddy had decided that. But she'd never grown close to her. In fact, something inside her flat out didn't like Lady Mary. Of course she tried hard to keep that a secret. Only Mrs. Patmore knew her feelings on the subject. The idea made the cook laugh; it was yet another Elsie-ism that shined through naturally without the girl even knowing it.

"Hello Elspeth, mama." Mary greeted.

"Oh Mary won't you join us for tea?" Cora smiled.

"No, no, not today. Elspeth?"

"Hhhhm." She looked up. Cora could sense she was apprehensive but didn't mention it, she just held the girl tighter.

"I'd like for you to come riding with me next week."

"Oh Elspeth doesn't that sound like fun?" Cora asked.

"Y-yes." She hesitated.

She'd never been much interested in horses, although she'd ridden a pony a few times, and moreover, she was kind of afraid of Lady Mary. She didn't understand why her father liked her so. Elspeth felt her tummy turn over and her heart begin to pound. She instinctively cuddled further into Cora's arms and began chewing on her thumb.

"Good then, I have to be off, but I'll see you both later."

Elspeth paused, looking back nervously at Mary as she left the room. Cora understood she was nervous and for a moment thought of telling her that her father really wanted her to get along with Mary. But instead of addressing it she turned the girl around in her lap and smiled.

"So, you were going to ask me something?"

"Yeah." She nodded, starting to get nervous now.

Elspeth loved Cora and was less afraid to ask her questions than anyone else. She knew her questions sometimes flustered Daisy, they hurt Auntie Beryl and they made Daddy angry, but Cora, Cora simply answered in the kindest way possible.

"Don't be nervous my darling." She whispered, resting her forehead against the child's. "You can ask me anything in the whole world."

Elspeth stopped, studying Cora's eyes carefully. She knew the answer to her question, in some sense, and she'd almost asked Daddy and Auntie Beryl so many, many times but she couldn't bare to do it.

"Do I…do I look like my Mummy?" She asked. "Thomas says I do but Daddy wont tell me."

Cora smiled bittersweetly, pausing before she spoke. "Oh yes, very much."

"How?"

She'd never seen a photo of her mother and was too young to look at herself in the mirror and try to figure it out.

"Well. You have her hair, and her smile." Elspeth couldn't help but smile when she said this. "And most of all, I can see her, just like she were right here with me, when I look in your eyes."

"Can I tell you a secret?" She whispered.

"Of course my darling."

"When I close my eyes real tight. Sometimes, I think I can see her."

….

Later in the evening everyone was busy serving dinner and Elspeth was free to wander the downstairs halls by herself. Several people were supposed to be watching her including Beryl, Thomas, Daisy and O'Brien, but they all thought someone else was in the midst of doing it. Elspeth made her way into her father's office undetected. She'd really wanted the chance to venture into her mother's now abandoned sitting room but was too afraid, having been warned by her father that the room was off limits for her.

She was used to her father's pantry. He kept a reading corner for her there, not that she could read yet. It was a small corner where he'd put a cushion she could nap on and she had a big basket full of toys. When she was in the room she was either there or on her father's knee and other than that had never had much of a chance to explore the place. She was tired and hungry but her curiosity got the better of her. She yawned as she approached his desk, climbing up into the chair. She looked around, making sure that she was alone before she opened one of the drawers. She saw nothing there of note save some paper clips and pencils and the like. She shoved it closed, moving on quickly to another drawer, this time she found a huge pile of paper, with one single frame on top, turned upside down. The child took the fame in her tiny hands and turned it over carefully, knowing how much trouble she'd be in for breaking it let alone finding it. Elspeth looked down at the photograph, her eyes widening with a hint of a sparkle when she met the gaze of a face she knew all too well.

"Elspeth!" She heard her father call from down the hall.

Elspeth quickly put the photo away and jumped out of the chair, dashing over to her own little corner when she heard her father coming.

"Oh." He smiled kindly. "There you are. Come along my treasure." He paused, lifting her into his arms. "It's time we go home."

…

"Good night my most precious little girl." Carson whispered.

It was late now. They'd come home many hours earlier than usual. He and Elspeth were able to have their own private dinner together, after which, Carson played a game with his daughter, read to her and finally tucked her into bed. The child kept her many questions for her father to herself that evening, not wanting to make him upset again.

Now that she was almost asleep, he sat there in the dark for a moment, running his fingers through her hair. It was the same as her mother's and every stroke of it brought him back to Elsie in a way that was almost painful. He looked down at the child and for a moment saw nothing but his love instead. He flinched, closing his eyes and looking away. He shook his head and wiped his falling tears, having not been greeted with darkness when he closed his eyes, but with the face of his love.

"Must you haunt me so?" He asked out loud, causing Elspeth to stir.

"Daddy." She pouted, mumbling under her breath.

"It's nothing sweetheart, Daddy was just saying good night." He leaned down and kissed her cheek again.

Half asleep, the child took his fingers in her hand and squeezed them, pulling his hand to her heart and holding it there, pressing it against her chest as she drifted off. He smiled deeply, feeling the beat of the child's heart against his hand. It was a precious little rhythm that started inside his love and lived on now because she gave it life. That was one of the reasons he loved Elspeth so much, because Elsie had given her life and in a way, he felt like she lived on in the child.

Carson sat there for a moment before pulling himself away from his daughter and tucking her in once more. He left the door ajar and retreated downstairs to spend the evening alone. He longed for the company of his beloved and deeply regretted all the time they'd missed together. They'd had to sneak around when they were a couple and aside from evenings in his pantry or her sitting room (or secretly in one of their beds) they'd had no real alone time together. He regretted that now and wished he would've married her expediently and whatever the cost.

Truthfully he hated himself for not doing so and didn't think he'd ever get over it. Perhaps then, things would have been different. He'd kept all of Elsie's belongings, even her corset. Her things were scattered everywhere, just as if she lived there, now with him and their child. Her clothes were mixed in with his, her books on their shelves, all her personal effects scattered where they might be if she were actually there.

Elspeth had never known her mother, but Carson wanted her to have some sense of who she was and what the home she would've made for them would've been like. In a way, the whole thing was painful for him. Having her things around sometimes felt like such a farce. It was, in the worst of ways a stark reminder that she wasn't really there, but he knew it was best for the child he loved so much, and he would admit to you that it was best for him: it was the only way he had to keep her close. And worse one of his few comforts.

He wished he could convey the finer things about his love to their daughter, things no photograph could convey; like the sweetness of her smile, the sound of her voice, the kindness she had for people, her curiosity, the mere way she would've loved them both… but ultimately, Carson understood that his daughter carried those attributes of her mother within her, that they had been passed down while she was still forming in the womb and for that he was grateful. He couldn't tell you how much he dreaded, and yet longed to watch her grow into those things, most especially her mother's smile.

Carson went to get a book off the shelf, deciding to spend the rest of the evening reading quietly. It was a book he hadn't read in forever and was surprised when a tiny note slipped out of the shelf along with it. He laughed bittersweetly, at once realizing who had written it. He picked it up and held it in his hand for a moment, wondering if he should read it now or save it for at time when he missed her so much he couldn't bare it. He elected to savor the moment and sat down in his chair by the fire, with his love's note.

…

Upstairs Elspeth drifted in and out of sleep. She was tired but drawn to the rhythmic humming that kept creeping into her conscious like a gentle whisper. It was a familiar song, her mind couldn't place it, but deep inside she knew both the melody and the voice that sang it by heart, as though they'd both always been a part of her, as if they'd accompanied her as she'd been knit together and come to life.

"Hmmm."

"Shu lass." She heard a gentle voice whisper. Elspeth smiled in her sleep, sighing in complete peace when she felt her cheek be enveloped in a warm, loving caress.

"Mama." She mumbled.

"Good night my precious lass, my Charlotte… did you know that's your name?" This had been the name she'd given the child before she passed on. "I'm glad to know you haven't forgotten me and that you've found a way to love me, as I love you always."


	4. Until We Meet Again

Ch 4- Until We Meet Again

November 4th, 1914

"Your daughter, Mrs. Hughes." Dr. Clarkson spoke as the baby began to cry.

Elsie lay back in Carson's arms and reached eagerly for her newborn. He handed her over, wrapped loosely in one of the blankets she'd knitted in preparation for the baby.

Elsie started to cry when she looked down at her newborn daughter, all the pain of the last few hours and the problems of the past few months seeming to wither away at the sight of her. Even with Clarkson and Beryl watching, Elsie leaned back and Carson leaned forward. She brushed her lips against his almost forcefully. He sensed a hint of need, forgiveness (for all that had happened between them those nine months) and also love in her kiss that he'd remember for the rest of his days and replied in kind, kissing her deeply.

Elsie was crying when they pulled apart and she returned her attention to her newborn, overwhelmed by her presence. Beryl watched anxiously, sensing something with Elsie was off, but everyone else was focused on the baby and the fact that the hard labor was finally over and seemed to have born the best of fruits.

"She's beautiful." Carson whispered. "She looks just like you."

Elsie laughed through her tears and kissed the baby on the top of her head, nuzzling her and holding her close. "Hello my Charlotte." She whispered, her tears falling on the infant's face. "Hello my treasure. Mummy loves you and has been waiting for you."

…

November 2nd, 1919

Carson felt numb. He sat back in his chair by the fire, a drink in his hand as he watched the rain and ran his fingers over his lips. It pained him to think of that kiss. He savored it, fantasized about it, and could still feel the fullness of it on his lips and the tip of his tongue. It'd been the last kiss he'd ever had with his Elsie or anyone else, and the more Elspeth grew, the more he realized how much time had passed and how much further away he was getting from his Elsie. He hated that thought more than any other in the world and on her birthday it all always came flooding back to him. Even having lived without her for so long, his child's entire lifetime, having to realize all over again that she was gone was simply petrifying for him. He didn't wish to face it, and every once in a while he allowed himself time off from the burden of it's truth by telling himself that his Elsie was just fine…and down the hall.

"Daddy?" Came a small voice.

"What?!" He jumped. "Oh. Elspeth I'm sorry you scared your Da a little." He chuckled.

"What were you doing?" She asked. He smiled sadly, seeing his love's sense of curiosity sparkle in her little girl's eyes.

Carson paused, giving his daughter a half-hearted smile. Elspeth stopped momentarily, prepared to back away, thinking she'd upset him again. Instead, he picked her up and put her on his lap.

"Daddy was just thinking." He told her. "Sometimes Daddies do that."

She sighed, placing her head on his chest and closing her eyes.

"Are you tired?"

"Uh-uh." She shook her head no and sighed contently, listening to her father's heart beat gently. She didn't know what it was about the sound, but from the time she was very small she sensed it as the greatest of comforts.

Sometimes, even holding his little girl bought back painful memories for him, but he tried to remind himself that she was, as Elsie had first said, his treasure and that without her he would've died of a broken heart by now. She was his reason for living and if anything ever happened to his baby Elspeth he thought he'd simply cease to be.

"Daddy, can we read?" She asked.

"Certainly my girl." He smiled.

Carson took out a book and began to read to his daughter as the rain continued to pound the cottage. She sighed, closing her eyes as she listened to him read. He felt love swell in his heart and calm wash over him as he read her the story, her little giggles reminding him that not everything was gloom and doom, that the pain he often felt was worth it for the love of his daughter.

"What now?" She asked when they finished the story.

He said nothing and lifted her off his lap and high in the air, kissing her forehead softly as he did so. She giggled loudly, unable to help but smile. He'd done it just for that purpose, to see her smile. To see her mother's smile.

"Daddy?" She asked, settling back in his lap as he retrieved another book from the side table.

"Humm?" He asked, opening up to the first page. He braced himself, knowing her tone. It was a Mum question, this time he thought he was more prepared than usual and he was wrong.

"Daddy did Mummy see me?"

"Yes." He sighed, tucking her hair behind her ear. "First thing after you were born." He paused, thinking he was going to choke. A single tear slid down his cheek, but Elspeth didn't notice. "She-she couldn't wait."

Elspeth's heart quickened, excited that her mother hadn't been able to wait for her.

"You saw me be borned?" She hic-upped, surprised by this new information. She had thought men didn't attend baby's births, although she knew next to nothing about that.

"Yes." He laughed. "I couldn't wait either."

Elspeth was satisfied with this answer. She squealed, hugging her father tightly. "Daddy I lobe you." She yawned.

"I love you too. Come on now; it's time for our dinner my Elspeth."

…

November 5th, 1914

"Waaaaa-aaaaaahhhhh-aaaahhh-waaaaa!"

Numb. The baby's tears thundered loudly in his ears, parading on violently, echoing down the hall, filling the house. A few hours ago, it had been the sound of utmost joy and now it was nothing but a stark reminder of the fear that shook him straight to his core, probing his innermost being. The sound pierced the numbing silence of the house, failing to call any of its inhabitants out of their state of shock.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaahhhhh!"

The newborn wailed, demanding to be noticed. The truth was, everyone had forgotten all about her after it happened, leaving her all unattended next to her mother's lifeless frame.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaahhh!"

Everyone was gathered; teary eyed in the kitchen, the doctor making arrangements. The family had come downstairs and gathered around their beloved butler. Lord Grantham took the much larger man in his arms and tried to steady him as he wept, Cora did the same with Mrs. Patmore and Mary found herself consoling Anna.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!"

It was the fourth, fifth or maybe even ninth set of loud screams to come from the child. She cried so loudly, emitting so much energy that it was beginning to exhaust her little frame, her heart quickening as she began to gasp.

Everyone paused, finally hearing the child's cries and stopped for a moment in collective saddened silence, having realized the cruel fact that they'd forgotten her.

"I'll get her." Mrs. Patmore announced, drying her tears on her sleeve, pretending as if they weren't still coming.

"No." Carson said, pulling himself away from his employer.

"Carson." Lord Grantham protested. "Let someone else…"

"No." He backed away, shaking as he made his way toward the door. "She-she needs her father now…"

Mrs. Patmore tried to follow after him but Cora grabbed her hand kindly, holding her back.

The hall was dark and Carson could never remember feeling more alone or more empty than he did in those moments, as he neared the room and the sound of the baby's crying became louder and louder. He paused in the doorway, his heart quickening at the sight. It was not the sight he'd longed for, nor one he'd ever imagined. Shakily, he made his way to the bed where his love and his child lay. The baby shrilled, gasping now as he leaned down and lifted her into his arms. He felt shaky, cold and afraid, but at once the newborn felt steady in his arms and her tears slowed to a gentle stop.

"Shhuuu." He whispered, tears flowing from his eyes as he cradled the child closely, part of him imagining he was cradling her mother.

He sat down in the chair where he'd been for several of the happiest hours of his life and then the worst; where he'd held his love and watched her bear their child… and then... He cradled the child close, forcing himself to look down into the face of his love, his heart thundering in his ears drowning out the sound and the sense of everything but the enormity of what faced him.

"We'll be…we'll be alright." He managed for a moment, turning away from her. He stopped, looking back, realizing these were his last moments with his precious love. It was in that instant that he finally began to blubber.

"Oh my Elsie, my precious Elspeth Hughes." He knelt on the bed next to her, taking her lifeless face in his hand, caressing her still soft skin. "Please, please be a dream. Be with me let this be a dream" He whispered, pausing, trying, to wake himself to no avail. "Elsie. I wish you'd known what you met to me. I don't know how we could be alright without you… I love you, I love you more than anyone or anything in the world." He cried. "I'm a dishonorable man. One who didn't get the chance to do right by you, and believe me I wanted nothing more!

"I will honor you Elsie, I promise I will honor you with her life, the life you worked so hard to bring into this world, and with mine too. I love you beyond depth, beyond measure. I will go on for you and protect our treasure all my days Elsie." He stopped, his lip quivering at the thought of what he was about to say. "She will be, just as you wished her to be. Perfect, beautiful and free. And I'll love her enough for the both of us, and make sure she carries you in her heart all her life…"

Carson leaned down and kissed her lips forehead softly, resting it there for a moment, nuzzling her unable to help doing so. "Until we meet again my love."


	5. She Stole My Heart Away, Part I

Ch 5- She Stole My Heart Away, Part I

November 2nd, 1919

"Good night my Elspeth. You've had a long day." He whispered as he tucked her into bed. "You've played some good games and heard some lovely stories and I hope, had a good time with your Da."

He smiled, listening to the rain pour outside as he tucked his daughter in bed. She yawned, snuggling into the palm of his hand, which rested gently against her cheek. "Yes Daddy. Always have a good time with you."

"And that I'm glad to hear my girl." He chuckled.

Carson leaned down and kissed his daughter's forehead. He dreaded this part of every week: late Sunday night, when his alone time with his little girl would draw to a close. After Elspeth had been born the family had given him the weekend off, plus half a Friday knowing he needed, more than other fathers, to be as present for his little girl as much as he could. At very first he'd dreaded the whole idea, thinking that he'd have too much time on his hands to think about the loss of his love. In that case, he would've rather been at work.

During those early days though, he discovered he needed the rest and the child needed him. By Friday, he was exhausted from working and caring for a newborn, something he had no idea how to do and never would've survived without Mrs. Patmore and Lady Grantham. Now though, he enjoyed the free time he spent with his daughter. It was a bigger blessing than he ever could've imagined and he hated, every weekend when the time drew to a close.

Carson braced himself, knowing that in the few seconds before she fell asleep, he'd likely get a mum question. He hated that she usually asked before bed, but he thought he understood it. When she was sleepy, she was less afraid to ask him and he'd be gentler with his answer. At the same time, it put Elsie on _his_ mind before bed and was often for him a segue into a sleepless night. Elspeth closed her eyes, sighing when she felt her dad begin to run his fingers through her hair. Carson didn't feel that his hand crossed that of another figure sitting at the girl's side doing the same thing. The spirit smiled back at him, at peace herself but full of sorrow for him.

"Did she love me?" Elspeth asked.

"Dare I say, she loved you more than anyone." He laughed, understanding what she met right away. Elspeth sighed when he said this and he could tell the words soothed her soul.

"But why did she leave me if she loved me?" She asked.

Carson looked down at his sleepy child sadly. He felt the same and even after all the years of wondering, and knowing the logical explanation, he didn't truly know the answer to her question and never would. He'd explained the logical side of this before and he knew she still couldn't understand. He sighed sadly, looking up and off into the distance. He didn't realize his love stared straight into his eyes.

"I forgive you my Charlie, for all that went on between us." Elsie whispered, grabbing his face. She leaned in close to him, as if to kiss him, but he looked away.

Carson couldn't feel her touch, or hear her voice but was sure he could sense her. He knew, somehow that she was there, and had thought, for sometime that he was simply going out of his mind because of it. A single tear ran down his cheek at the thought that she might really have forgiven him. How could she? She'd said she had before she died, she'd even attempted to prove it, but he'd never been sure. So, in addition to everything else, he spent his days guilt-ridden about Elsie and heartbroken, fearful that she'd died not loving him anymore.

"Tell her Charlie. Go on my love. You have the strength to tell her I promise love." She whispered.

He elected to speak, figuring that if Elsie had had to endure it, it was only fair for him to have to speak it and live the reality of it for the rest of his days. After all, he'd gotten what he thought she'd wanted: to live a life alone, raising their child.

Carson paused, his voice cracking. "Mummy got too sick, she couldn't stay with us anymore, my treasure."

"But why?"

Carson didn't realize how smart his daughter was for her age. She knew little of pregnancy, especially since she didn't have a mother to explain it to her, but she assumed, quite wrongly that her mother had bled out after she'd been born and that she was the cause of it. It was a heinous assumption that would terrify Carson and Mrs. Patmore if they had any idea of it, and it was far from the truth… although, the truth was only slightly less terrifying.

"It's hard to explain Elspeth. Let's not think on it now." He whispered, kissing her cheek. "It's done, it's nothing that you need to worry about or think on. Now I want you to go to sleep and think happy thoughts about your birthday. Remember you've got cake and presents and surprises coming up in just a few days. I promise it's what mummy would want you to think about."

Elspeth paused, wondering how her birthday could possibly be a happy day for him when it was the day her mother had left them. For a split second, her thoughts wandered to the churchyard and she didn't know why.

"Okay Daddy." She yawned, too tired to question him further.

Ghost Elsie continued to run her fingers through the child's hair, slowly lulling her to sleep. Carson leaned down to kiss his daughter again and Elsie placed her hand gently on his cheek, her heart heavy that he could not feel her touch.

"I love you Charles Carson even more than you love me." She said. "I wish you knew it." He could not hear her words, but the child could.

"Good night my precious girl." He whispered. "I love you so very much."

"Night Daddy." She whispered, so tired she was unable to open her eyes now. "Love you."

As soon as the door shut, Elsie began her lullabye, humming sweetly to her little girl. Elspeth settled into her pillow, her heart soothed at the sound.

"Ni mama." She yawned, almost completely asleep now.

"Good night my little lass. I love you so much. Mummy never would've left you, or given you up, never ever if she could've helped it." Elsie whispered her own heart breaking.

She longed to be with the child and to make peace with Charlie: it was the reason she was not at rest. She was disappointed that her former lover had not told their daughter more of what had really happened but supposed she was still a bit young for such an explanation.

She hoped, however, that one day, Carson would choose to tell the child the whole truth, not just of her death but of the thing that guilted him. Elsie wanted the girl to know that she'd not only loved her, but been prepared to do anything for her, including living in shame, raising a child named Hughes.

…..

The Next Day

"There you look perfect." Mary announced happily.

"Yes she does." Anna approved.

Elspeth had found herself taken into Lady Mary's bedroom very unexpectedly. She felt uneasy about the whole thing especially when Anna came in, holding an outfit that was a tiny replica of Mary's riding habit. She'd protested at first, but allowed Anna to help her change her clothes.

"My Daddy won't like it." Elspeth commented, looking down at the strange, stiff pants she now wore. She winced as Anna placed a helmet on top of her head.

"Well why ever not?" Mary asked.

"Because I'm a girl, I'm not supposed to wear pants. I'm supposed to wear a dress!"

The girl was upset and frankly, surprised. Her very conservative father had told her it was inappropriate for girls to wear pants and that she couldn't ever do it. Elspeth's heart started to race and she wanted to cry when she'd discovered they were dressing her in pants, something she didn't have in her own wardrobe and had never worn before, save a few pairs of long underwear. She didn't want to do anything to disobey or disrespect her father and wished she could make them understand that.

"Daddy said no." She protested once again, hoping this would be enough.

"Well I'm a girl, I'm wearing pants, what does that make me?" Mary asked.

Elspeth looked her up and down, pausing for a moment. The tiny child tilted her head, trying to consider this question.

"A lady." She supposed, knowing that was different.

Mary sighed, staring back at the goddaughter who didn't like her. She'd accepted the post for Carson's sake, because she loved him, and wanted to provide a home for his child in the event of his death. But in hindsight, she might not have done it had she ever anticipated how… well how much like very Mrs. Hughes the child would end up being. Not that she'd disliked Mrs. Hughes, she hadn't, the two had just never seen eye to eye and now she didn't know if she could see herself potentially raising a junior version of the former housekeeper. Mary watched the girl, finding the similarities between mother and daughter remarkable considering that they'd never known each other.

Nonetheless, now that she was obligated to being her godmother and guardian, Mary was intent on connecting with the girl in the way everyone else had and as a result she was forcing her to take weekly riding lessons starting today.

"Come along, it's time for your very first riding lesson."

Elspeth was nervous and gulped as she took Mary's hand, looking back at Anna for reassurance. The ladies maid waived, as Mary pulled Elspeth out of the room and down the hall. Carson and his daughter were almost like family to the Crawley's and if anything were to happen to him, Elspeth would automatically become their ward, and Mary her guardian. She wanted Elspeth to be able to fit into their world should she need to and planned on exposing her to everything she could, from horseback riding to debutante balls. If she were to raise her, the child would be finely educated, and marry well when the time came.

But Elspeth had more of her mother in her than anyone could realize. Mary and everything she had to offer made the child particularly uncomfortable and she couldn't say why. If consulted, she would've told you she would've rather stayed downstairs in the event of her father's death and be raised by Mrs. Patmore and Anna, which of course, would've been her mother's choice.

Elspeth had ridden before, for recreation, not sport and was not intimidated when Mary and the jockey helped her onto one of the smaller horses. Truthfully, she'd always wished she could do this but had never asked. After the lesson, Mary grabbed the reins of her horse and demanded that it follow her. Elspeth was confused that they were going off without the jockey and nervous too.

Elspeth paused, watching as her godmother led her horse. She wondered why it was she was taking her for a ride. The little girl was growing exponentially and had had questions for everyone lately: Mary was no exception. Even though she was slightly afraid of her she felt the urge to ask her questions; after all, she couldn't ask Daddy everything could she?

"What's a godmother?" She inquired innocently, batting her tiny eyelashes.

Truthfully the child was confused about the term. Was a godmother something that you got when your Mummy wasn't there anymore? If so, Elspeth thought Mary was a poor substitute for her mother and assumed that Mrs. Patmore should have been her godmother.

"Your Daddy picked me to look after you, to help teach you things about life." She began.

"You mean because my Mummy's gone?" She asked. "When did you meet my Mummy?"

"When I was…oh ten? And no. I'm your godmother incase something happens to your father, you'll live with me if he dies." Mary stopped, realizing she'd spoken without thinking.

Elspeth's eyes grew as wide as saucers. She'd never considered the idea of her father passing away as her mother had and was terrified. She began to cry at once. Mary's face turned white as a sheet as she watched the child she'd been trying to win over, realizing, she'd unintentionally devastated her… it seemed like something Edith would do!

"Daddy! Daddy! I want my Daddy!" She sobbed.

…..

It was Anna, of course, who'd saved the day… or so she thought. She'd persuaded Mary to tell Carson about what had happened later on in the week, after the child's birthday, and taken a teary-eyed Elspeth downstairs for a snack.

"Your Daddy loves you more than anything." She said quietly, wiping the girl's tears as she ate. "He'll be around for a long time. But Mommies and Daddies have to prepare, to make their children have a place to go if something might happen to them."

"Like with Mummy?" She mumbled.

"Yes." Anna answered sympathetically. "Like with Mummy. Elspeth, Lady Mary shouldn't have said that, and I'm sorry. She's trying to learn to be a little closer to you is all but it's because she cares: we all do. If anything ever did happen to your Daddy you should know you would be well loved and taken care of here all your life. You'd never have to worry."

Elspeth equated this to her mother's death and understood immediately. but it didn't stop her tears. She looked back at Anna and began to suck her thumb. The conversation made a lump form in her tummy. If something were to happen toher father the last thing she'd want would be to be stuck with Lady Mary for a parent. In that eventuality she'd want Mrs. Patmore, who was the closest thing she had to a mother already, or Lady Cora who Elspeth loved very much… or really anybody but Mary, even Thomas would be a better mother in her opinion.

"I want my Daddy!" She cried, beginning to sob.

"What's going on here?" Carson asked, poking his head into the room. He'd just come back downstairs from serving tea.

"Daddy!" She screeched, holding her arms out.

"Anna?" He questioned, lifting his frightened child into his arms.

Anna sighed. "I'm sorry Mr. Carson, Lady Mary took her for her riding lesson and may've explained the term godmother in quite the wrong way."

Elspeth sighed, hugging her father tight. "Daddy!"

"Shuuu love, it's alright."

"I asked Mary to explain it to you after Elspeth's birthday. She told her godmother's are there to be parents when parents pass away, Mr. Carson."

"Oh I see." His face fell.

"Daddy don't go!" She cried.

"Shuu my love, I'm right here."

Carson and Anna stopped when they heard a bell ring.

"Oh I have to go. I'm sorry Elspeth, it will be alright. You've got your Daddy now and he'll make it all better. I'll be back later and you'll have a nice bath alright?"

Elspeth nodded, sniffling as she clung to her father's arms.

"Oh my girl it's alright." Carson soothed.

He was stunned and elected not to say anything more on the subject for now.

"Daddy. My Daddy." She cried.

"I'm here, I'm here it's alright."

"I don't want Lady Mary, I want her Mummy and Auntie Patmore!" She choked as she cried. "And I don't want them either I want you."

"I want you too." He soothed, deciding to talk to her in more depth about it tomorrow. "I think it's about your naptime lass." He whispered, holding her tight.

Beryl came in and stood at the door, concerned when she heard Elspeth crying. Carson began to hum as he rocked his daughter, trying to get her to sleep.

"Dashing away with a smoothing iron she stole my heart away!" He whispered, kissing the side of her head.

Carson was crushed by what had just happened to his daughter and didn't need anyone to explain to him how painful this was for her or how scared she must be to come to know he wouldn't live forever. The idea that she knew worried him and reminded him too much of his own immortality. He continued to hum his song as Beryl watched: it had been his Elsie song. The one he sang when she'd overwhelmed his heart with joy. After she died, he'd never thought he'd sing it again, but found himself singing it to Elspeth as a lullaby when she was a baby. The little girl had loved it instantly, having heard it since she was in her mother's womb. Now, Carson didn't know whether he sung the song for his girl or his love. Maybe for both.

"There love; don't worry about anything and take your nap; Daddy's got you, yes Daddy's got you."

"Don't be frightened my wee lass." Ghost Elsie whispered in the child's ear. She whispered as she laid her head on Charlie's shoulder, wanting to badly for him to hear her.

"Mummy." Elspeth mumbled as she went to sleep. "I want my Mummy."

….

Hours later, Elspeth felt much better but was a bit shaken still as Anna was giving her, her bath. She couldn't help but keep thinking about what Mary had said. She had spent time with her father, and the family's dinner hour on Mrs. Patmore's hip, sucking her thumb. Elspeth squeezed her eyes tightly as Anna poured the water over her head. She hated this part, and rightly so.

"Nooo soap!" She squeaked.

"It's alright. That part's over for now, and yay! You don't have soap in your eyes." Anna laughed, drying off the child's face. Elspeth opened her eyes, clapping as Anna lifted her out of the tub, wrapping a huge warm towel around her. "My were you filthy though. But at least you'll be nice and clean for your birthday."

Anna was kind of amazed. Elspeth had only been in the bath a few minutes and there was already a ring of thick dirt around the perimeter of the tub. She helped her into her long underwear (which she wore because she had to walk home in the snow) and her nightgown and wrapped the towel back around her for warmth. Elspeth looked up when she heard a knock on the door.

"Come in." Anna said, as she took another towel and began trying to dry the child's hair.

Carson covered his eyes as he came in the room and Anna laughed.

"She's dressed now Mr. Carson."

"Hi Daddy."

"Oh hello." He smiled kindly, removing his hand from his gaze. "I was just checking to see if you were finished. We can go home soon and…"

He stopped when one of the bells started to ring.

"Lady Mary!" Mrs. Patmore called from down the hall.

"I better go." Anna rose to her feet. "Elspeth I'll be back."

"Daddy you can brush my hair!" Elspeth asked.

"Of course I can." He smiled. "I came to remind you." He said, taking the hairbrush from her. "That tomorrow is a very special day and that Daddy has a few surprises for his best girl."

Elspeth clapped her little hands again as her father brushed her hair. She turned suddenly, throwing her arms around his shoulders. He chuckled.

"It's alright my little love, it's okay." He could tell she was still scared.

"Daddy you're my faborite." Was all she said, beginning to suck her thumb again as she rested her head on his shoulder.

Her upset earlier had gotten him thinking and he'd decided to add something extra heartwarming to the girl's birthday surprise.

"Well you're my favorite too." He smiled. "Quick, lets get your hair a little drier so we can get home and tomorrow we'll have a little chat about everything you've been asking me about lately. You're a big girl, it's time."

"About Mummy?"

"Yes my love, about Mummy."

…..

"Daddy when did you meet my Mummy, was it when she came to the house?" Elspeth asked. She'd been told her mother had been at the house many years but came after her father.

Carson built a fire when they got home. Instead of putting her to bed right away he made her hot chocolate and put her on his lap, hoping to read a story but instead she started asking questions.

"No." he laughed. "No I met your mother in Scotland, when she was still a lass herself." He thought of much younger Elsie and how she looked even more like Elspeth.

Elspeth was surprised. He'd met her when she was a girl? And before Downton?

"Did you marry her then?" She asked, sighing and settling against his chest. The question hurt Carson, who'd never gotten the chance to marry the woman he loved. Elspeth didn't know that and he didn't know how he would explain it.

"No." He managed to laugh. "She was so young…and I a lad of sorts myself."

He'd been a young man when they first met and she, still a teenager. It'd been years and years before when he was still traveling in the theatre with Charlie Grigg. He hadn't even entered service yet. He'd fallen rather quickly for a Scottish girl several years his junior and would've married her had her father not intervened and forbidden it. At the time she'd been just seventeen, a mere twelve years older than Elspeth was now. That thought alarmed Carson soundly, and he decided to tuck it away for the moment.

Elsie's father's disapproval had been a move that in Charlie's mind had ruined both of their lives. He supposed he understood it now that he was a father himself, almost every waking thought went into protecting his little girl. He was strict with her, and very loving… but you never would've guessed that Carson cautioned himself on one note. To be very considerate if she ever fell in love, and to try to see what she saw so her life wouldn't be ruined too.

Elsie's father had forbidden the marriage and as a result, both had entered service separately, unhappy, heartbroken and alone. Several years later, fate had interviened and they met once more, rekindling their (this time) much more passionate affair. A few years after that, she'd come to Downton and they become a secret couple. Having been with her for so many years, he felt horrible that he hadn't married her. He tried to tell himself that he shouldn't feel guilty, that he'd wanted to marry her from the very start, that they'd had plans to marry…. But fifteen years after she came to Downton she'd become pregnant with Elspeth very unexpectedly and that had brought everything: their situation, their plans, even their love for each other, it seemed to a dramatic halt.

"No love. No I did not marry her then. I was older than her, and your granddad didn't like me and wouldn't have it."

"That's mean." She yawned.

"Yes it was mean."

Carson paused, he wondered how much Elsie's father would've liked it had he known how they had to live and what they'd gone through to be together. Or if he would've liked that his daughter ended up pregnant and unmarried…because of him really. Carson took the blame for that in life, but he didn't want to. He'd loved her and had wanted to marry her more than anything.

He looked down at his daughter, wondering what he would've done if he could've chosen: Elsie or her tiny namesake. He would've gladly kept his Elsie, grown old with her, finally married her… but he couldn't say he'd take back having his child. He loved everything about her; and he loved that she kept the presence of his love alive and allowed him to love her still.

Elsie's picture on the mantle caught his eye and he stared at it before turning his gaze back to his daughter, who was by then asleep. He brushed the girl's cheek softly with his finger and looked back up at the photograph of his lost love. The clock struck midnight. It was Elspeth's birthday.

"She's beautiful." He smiled teary-eyed at the picture. "She's beautiful and five whole years old and I still can't believe you're not here to see it." He paused. "Elsie if I could go back and be happy I would…I don't know maybe it would've made a difference to you my love…maybe it would've, would've made a difference to where you are now."

Carson dissolved into tears, holding his daughter tight to his chest. He didn't notice ghost Elsie sit at his feet and cup his tear-stained face in her hand but something inside his soul sighed, calming instantly at her phantom touch.

"Oh my love." She whispered, he could hear her inside, unconsciously at the root of his heart. "She is so beautiful and what you do with her every day makes all the difference to me."

"Dashing away with the smoothing iron she stole my heart away." Carson whispered, beginning to rock Elspeth.

Elsie smiled deeply and leaned her forehead against his as they watched their daughter sleep., still lamenting that he could not feel her touch, or she is.


	6. Happy Birthday

Ch 6- Happy Birthday

 _October 1914_

 _Carson paused, watching Elsie in her sitting room from the kitchen doorway. She smiled brightly looking down at her fast-growing stomach. She was nearly ready to have it now and every time he looked at her he thought she was going to explode. She was so swollen, her belly, and ankles in particular. It was late and the family's dinner hour. Dr. Clarkson had stayed to dine with the family after examining Elsie and the baby and had left his stethoscope there for her to listen to the child's heartbeat. Carson watched as she moved the drum of the stethoscope to another part of her side._

 _Elsie closed her eyes and sighed. "You're a wee perfect babe that I know." She said. "Mummy bets you that you could kick harder than that. Yes you could my strong one you could."_

 _"What are you doing?" Carson asked, raising an eyebrow as he entered her sitting room._

 _"Listening to_ _ **my**_ _baby." She told him._

 _"May her Da have a listen?" He inquired after a moment of pause._

 _"Oh so you admit it Mr. Carson?"_

 _"The whole house knows I'm the child's father and I suspect the village. And quit calling me Mr. Carson." Until recently, it'd been Charlie for many years._

 _"Alright then." She answered after a moment._

 _He sat next to her and she gave him half of the stethoscope, the other half still in her ear. He sat close to her, managing to stretch the device enough to get it in his ear as well._

" _Wow." He found himself whispering within just a few seconds._

 _He'd never heard anything like it before, the baby's heartbeat somewhat erratically going_ _ **thud-thud-thud-thud-thud**_ _; each little beat faster than the next. He instinctively placed his hand on Elsie's knee without really thinking and she looked down surprised. He was amazed, in awe at the thought that that tiny heart beat so strong because he'd loved Elsie very much. He wished she understood he still did. It was odd, sitting so close to someone you loved so deeply, having barely been speaking to her for months. He began to turn toward her, finding her hand was just about to grasp his. She squeezed it tight, although very subtly, and placed it on her side, taking a deep breath._

" _My." He laughed almost proudly when he felt it kick. "He is a strong lad."_

" _She's a lass." Elsie corrected. "I'm sure of it." She was surprised to see him smile at this idea._

" _I know another lass whose very strong, and very perfect in everyway whom I hope she takes after." He said, tears in his eyes._

" _Oh Charlie." She whispered, her eyes transfixed with this. They paused for a moment, a moment of mutual understanding, of grief, of awe and finally love. She leaned in closer to him and he followed suit, pausing to gaze at one another before he pressed his lips urgently into hers._

 _Elsie sighed into his mouth at once feeling overtaken by him, as she always seemed to be. She tilted her head and deepened the kiss, having missed his caress so much. These last eight months had been painful, and trying for their relationship in more ways than one and now the thought crossed her mind that perhaps it would be alright after all. On top of everything else she'd had the distinct feeling that the baby wouldn't have both a mother and a father. It was an eerie thought that sent chills up her spine, and which she'd been unable to shake._

 _Carson kissed her deeper, tears pouring down his cheeks by now. He wanted so much to tell her he loved her in the way he always had, that he'd been wrong before and this baby even in just the beating of her heart, was an illustration of that love. He knew he needn't say it with his words; that his mere caress of her lips and belly spoke volumes about his undying love and changed attitude toward the child they'd made together._

 _They broke their kiss, both jumping suddenly when they heard something shatter in the kitchen. Beryl began to scream at poor Daisy._

" _I can't wait to take care of you, my love and my miracle of a lass. She's the love we haven't been allowed to share."_

" _You'll make the best of fathers my Mr. Carson." She whispered, tears in her eyes._

 _Elsie felt relief at his newfound willingness to love the child she was expecting, and although she did not know it consciously, something inside let go._

November 4th, 1919

"Oh my Elsie." He whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek as he took her picture in hand. "She's beautiful and five-years-old today. She's the image of you, she's so strong and perfect in every way and I can't believe you're not here to see it."

….

"Happy Birthday my Elspeth." Mrs. Patmore kissed the girl on the side of her head as she placed a single cupcake with one lit candle in it in front of her.

"I can't believe you're five!" Daisy remarked.

"Well Daisy they don't stay little forever." Mrs. Patmore smiled sadly, kissing Elspeth again. "My baby's getting so big!"

Beryl always felt odd saying 'my baby' when she was every inch Elsie's baby, but there was no denying that she was the child's mother in all the ways the living valued. Even Elspeth, who'd come to long for her natural mother as of late, would not deny this and loved Mrs. Patmore tremendously. This is why Elspeth, who'd been thinking a lot about death lately, thought that Daisy should be her guardian in the case of her father's death and Mrs. Patmore's too. Daisy, after all, was her adopted mother's other adopted daughter...in a sense. Hypothetically, she figured this made them sisters.

Carson sighed from his place in the kitchen doorway, watching as his daughter ate her cupcake, giggling up at Mrs. Patmore. He was unsure about what he was about to do for her birthday and wondered if he was making the right decision. How would he ever begin to explain to her that he and her mother had not been wed, had never shared a home … it was all too much. He supposed there were a great many women out there who had to explain such things to children, but wondered if he were really the only man. He couldn't be, could he?

"Elspeth." He cleared his throat, entering the room.

"Hi Daddy!"

"Hello my girl, are you ready to go, Daddy has some places he would like to take his Elspeth."

"Not before she finishes her cupcake and I clean her up a bit." Beryl reminded, beginning to wipe the cupcake frosting off of the girl's hands.

"Of course." He said. Beryl watched him carefully, noting he was nervous.

…

It was cold and Carson bundled his daughter warmly in her coat and scarf before lifting her into his arms.

"Daddy where are we going?" She asked, looking down at the picnic basket he carried.

She liked the idea of a picnic it was something he did with her often in summer but never in the fall. The thought stuck Elspeth that it might be too cold for that now but she didn't mind. She'd rather spend her birthday alone with her father than anywhere else anyhow and was anxious to see what he had planned. She knew it was something out of the ordinary.

Elspeth didn't realize that walking through town could be trying for her father. Most people treated him with the respect they'd always had for him, but there were a few who balked at his status as a single father, or rather the path he'd taken to single fatherhood. He was shunned by those few, and discussed by nearly everyone else… disgraced as an unwed mother was in a small village. It was strange for him, to be an upstanding, older man in this position. It didn't help him much that he had the family, Dr. Clarkson and a few others standing up for his good name. Elspeth was too small and isolated to have noticed yet, but he worried about her growing up and attending school in a place where she'd be known and referred to as what she was: a bastard, his name and her future in the mud, her dead mother's precious memory disgraced. Every so often, the thought of quitting Downton and leaving the village for London crossed Carson's mind, but then he remembered the one thing that kept him there, anchoring him to the town and estate like a massive weight dropped deep down onto the ocean floor. He paused and sighed before opening the gate… unsure if he was ready.

"Daddy where are we going?" She whispered nervously, her breath catching in her little throat. She was surprised but understood perfectly well where they were headed.

Elspeth remained silent, clutching her father's jacket and hugging him close as they walked. She'd wanted this, but wasn't sure if she was ready. Now she understood why her father had flowers with him, she'd known they weren't for her. Carson put the picnic basket down, holding his little girl close and resting her on his knee as he bent down slowly, kneeling in the mud before the remains of his love. Elspeth was nervous despite the feeling of a faintly familiar presence and began sucking her fingers with one hand and tightening her hold on her father's coat with the other.

Carson ran his hand over the cold stone of his beloved's memorial, carefully tracing his fingers over the precious name embossed before them. He searched his child's eyes as they surveyed the stone slab, both in wonderment and grief. He'd brought her here many times before, but not within her memory. He often visited but kept the experience selfishly to himself, just has he'd wanted to keep Elsie to himself when she'd told him she was pregnant. Oh how he cursed himself for that now. Perhaps he should've also been ashamed for not taking her baby to see her.

"Mummy can hear us." He whispered gently, wiping the girl's auburn hair out of her face as she stared down at the grave.

"Hi Mummy." She mumbled in greeting to the woman she could not recall.

Elspeth reached out, allowing her tiny hand to brush the stone. He kissed her cheek softly as the little girl read her mother's name. While only five today, Carson had taught his daughter to read when she was very young. She wasn't advanced but could make out her own name, first and last.

"Elsie Hughes." She whispered so faintly even he could not hear. Hughes. She mulled over it for a moment, it was a name she was familiar with, but it was not the name she'd expected to find.

"Daddy, why is my Mummy's name Hughes, not Carson?" She asked, her heart beginning to thud. Carson kissed his daughter's cheek again.

"I will explain later my little love. For now." He said, pulling the flowers out of the picnic basket and handing one to her. "Can you give your Mummy a rose?"

She nodded simply, laying the rose across the stone. Carson did the same, placing a small bouquet across his love's resting place. Carson closed his eyes tight, trying to hide the fact that he was crying.

"We love you very much Mummy." He said, tears stinging his eyes when he called her this.

She'd wanted that name and certainly paid the price for it. Yet, she'd only ever gotten to use it just a few times before she died. He hoped she knew, even in death that she was loved as a Mummy and greatly missed by her child and its father.

"We miss you, our treasure and I." He stopped himself short of saying we need you.

Elspeth didn't know what to say about a woman she missed but had never seen. She wondered if she should mention that sometimes, when she closed her eyes, she was sure she saw her, and that in the gentle still of the night, she knew she heard her voice upon her heart. Her mother may've been gone, cold in the ground before them, but she was no stranger. Overwhelmed and not knowing what to say, the child simply threw a kiss.

…

Carson put a warm blanket around his daughter as he sat her on their picnic blanket. He wasn't sure what they were having but had asked Mrs. Patmore to make some of the little girl's favorite things.

"Daddy where are we?" She asked and he smiled.

She'd never been there before. They were on the edge of a little bank by a slowly flowing stream, leaves covered the ground and deer pranced in the distant trees. Even in the dead of fall, Elspeth found the place beautiful.

"This is a special place." He reflected, taking the first dish out of the basket, curious to see what Beryl had packed. "I used to bring Mummy here it is where we would get away together."

"For picnics?"

"Yes my love, for picnics and stargazing…"

Carson paused, thinking about the last time he'd brought her there. It was where she'd told him of her pregnancy with Elspeth. Elspeth put her head down, shame washing over her as she sensed her father was beyond sad. She struggled to understand how he still loved her.

"Daddy I'm sowwy." She cried.

"For what? What have you to be sorry for my love?"

"It's my fault isn't it?"

"What?"

"I killed my Mummy didn't I? I took her away." She _ her fingers, looking up at him with big, sad eyes. "I killed her by being borned." She hiccupped.

"No! No what could ever give you that idea!"

"Forgibe me." She cried, "For killing my Mummy." She wiped her eyes and started to cry harder.

"My Elspeth." He sighed, pulling her into his arms. "Shhu. You did no such thing. My precious girl did no such thing."

"H-how can you love me when she died when I was borned?"

Carson said nothing for a moment and just hugged her tight. "My Elspeth Carson you are a gift. Mummies and Daddies get old and die, and eventually, I would've lost your mother, or she would've lost me. I'm very happy that if one of us had to go sooner than we would've liked, it was to bring you into the world. Mummy and I love you so much, you are our greatest gift my child."

"You still love me best?" She asked because he often said this.

"Your Da doesn't know that he really loves anything else in the whole of the world. You were a tiny baby, you are not responsible for what happened to Mummy, and I happen to know she was more than happy to give you life. She loved you beyond compare and when she held you she said this is my treasure. Today, your Da feels the same."

Elspeth sighed, hugging his arms tight.

"Did you love my Mummy?"

"More than the world, just as I love my lass." Only different, of course. "But you asked me earlier why her name is Hughes."

"Uh-huh."

"Elspeth. Your mother was not a Carson because she was not my wife."

"W-what?" She asked, her eyes widening.

"We were in love, but not married. You see times are changing, several years ago, Anna and Mr. Bates wouldn't have been allowed to wed and it was not allowed for me and your mother. We loved each other for a long time Elspeth and planned on marrying as soon as we left Downton."

The child was confused and had no clue what to say. Being five, just today, she didn't understand the repercussions of her father's disclosure, she did, however, know they were significant and that somehow, she felt ashamed. Was _that_ why her mother was gone? In some way, this made things make more sense to the child, but she was also puzzled in new more trying ways. She wondered, for example, how people had babies when they weren't married, and if her mother would've been thrown out like the maid Ethel, who'd come to Mrs. Patmore for help when she'd turned up pregnant and unmarried. Little did she know, that had almost happened.

Elspeth felt cold suddenly, like a wave of doom was washing over her. In that instant, the child knew something she didn't totally understand and wouldn't for years.

"Please know I loved your mother." He told her. "Daddy carries her in his heart. Speaking of heart, mummy and I have a gift for you." Carson reached into the basket and found a small box wrapped in pink paper.

Elspeth took the box in her hand carefully, marveling over the fact that it was a gift from her mother.

"She'd planned on giving this to you." He said, not allowing her to open the package just yet. "When you were older, but I feel you're ready for it now, and I added my own little touch."

"Wow Daddy it's pretty!" She squealed, surprised when she found a beautiful silver locket at the bottom of the box.

"It's very pretty." He told her, helping her to open the locket.

"Wow." Elspeth whispered, her eyes widening at her first glance of her mother. She stared for a moment, seeing a deep familiarity in the woman's face that struck her to the core. It was both something within and beyond herself that seemed to overtake her breath and very being.

"And so are you, you are the image of Elsie Hughes." He whispered.

"She looked like me!" She squeaked with surprise. Thomas always said it, but now she knew it was true.

"I look at you and see her clearly. That's the greatest of gifts my Elspeth. You can ask about Mummy whenever you like… she's your mother and you have the right to know everything you can about her."

Carson watched his daughter, her tiny eyes still transfixed on the image of her late mother. He wondered if he'd done the right thing in celebrating her birthday this way, in bringing her here and telling her these things. Meanwhile, Elspeth knew the face and couldn't divert her gaze. It was the woman who sang to her at night, and who remained ever present in her mind.

"I know you can't understand but, one day you will and I hope you know that all that matters is how much you are loved and you are loved so much, because you are the love your mother and I were not allowed to share. So happy birthday my treasure, from Mummy and me." He hugged her tight.


	7. Elspeth's Day Out

Ch 7- Elspeth's Day Out

Carson almost fell into bed, burying his face in his pillow, trying to stifle his tears. It wasn't often that he cried anymore. After Elsie died he cried buckets. Back then it had been hard, it still was: after all, it was self-evident that Elsie had mothered Elspeth, and sometimes, no matter how much he adored his child it hurt to see that. Other times, it took his breath away in the best of ways. He could look at her and know his love for that beautiful woman lived on in something better than them both.

One didn't need to be told Elsie was her mother. He recalled the first time he'd taken his daughter to see her Aunt Becky at Lytham St. Anne's… even she, in her somewhat limited mental capacity understood immediately, without introduction and began to cry.

Carson had been uncertain about taking her there. He'd only met Becky a few times before, himself, but he figured his daughter ought to know her only other living relative, and that Becky ought to know her sister's baby. Elspeth didn't remember her first visit to Aunt Becky. At the time she'd been only two, and Carson found himself ashamed he hadn't made the introduction sooner. But it was such a long journey and Elspeth was so very small.

"Doesn't she look just like her Becky lass?" He'd asked, calling her the nickname that Elsie always did.

The older woman had been lonely and afraid ever since someone had told her, her sister had passed away, just as her mother had. She looked up at Charlie, recalling who he was, her sister's beau who she'd first met when they were girls. 'He was the one,' Becky recalled. 'Who made Daddy very mad, but I always him.' She quickly, for her, put together that the baby she was being allowed to hold was his, with her big sister. Her heart leapt with joy at the thought that she still had family out there after all. Becky of course didn't put together the fact that Charlie was the one currently paying for her to live.

Tiny Elspeth had stared up at the strange lady, blinking her bright blue eyes. She sensed some kind of deep familiarity from the woman that she could not place, and derived an incredible comfort from her she'd never known.

"Her name," Carson smiled, reaching out to brush his baby's cheek. "Is Elspeth."

….

November 16th, 1919

"Elspeth can you get the salt for Auntie?" Beryl asked, calling to the girl from the place she sat at the kitchen table.

"No." She said, getting up and handing her the salt.

"No, what do you mean no?" She asked, getting on her knees to address her.

"No. My name's not Elspeth!" She corrected.

"Oh?" Beryl asked, laughing a bit, wiping the girl's hair out of her face. "Then what may I ask is your name little love?"

"It's Charlotte." She said, biting her lip nervously.

She was testing the waters. This is what the woman in her dreams had told her. Beryl froze and looked at the child very seriously.

"Now who told ya that?" She asked, knowing it wouldn't have been Carson or Lady Grantham.

"M-mummy."

"Elspeth!" Anna called as she came down the hall. The child turned on her toes when she heard Anna, knowing she'd come to collect her. "Her ladyship is waiting for you, I can take you up now. Mrs. Patmore what's wrong?" She asked the cook who remained bent down to Elspeth's height despite the fact that the girl had crossed the room and taken Anna's hand. "You look like you've just seen a ghost."

"Oh. But I think I have."

….

Two Hours Later

"Oh? Who are you little pet?" Mr. Grigg chucked when Elspeth answered the door. She gave an exasperated sigh, the Charles Carson in her annoyed with the man's candor. The Elsie Hughes in her, however, was curious and perhaps a bit too brave.

"Whom are you here to see?" She asked very formally, holding her head high, echoing her father's regular snobbish tone of greeting.

"Charlie Carson."

"Oh. He's my Daddy." She said simply, oblivious to the shock she'd just given the man. "Daddy! It's for you!"

Grigg was floored, in that instant, in something about the way she spoke or moved he realized she was familiar to him, but not because of Charles Carson.

"Elspeth, what have I told you about the proper greeting for…"

Carson stopped cold when he saw who was at the door and scooped his daughter up in his arms. Elspeth was confused for a moment, her heart pounding at the sudden realization that her father didn't want her around this man.

"Grigg." He spoke simply. "What brings you to Yorkshire?"

"You Charlie." He chuckled, reaching out to brush Elspeth's cheek. Carson didn't like that. Grigg met the child no harm and hoped that her existence met his friend had found some happiness in life beyond his job, the kind he'd known he desired.

"Elspeth. Daddy has some business to attend to." Carson told her, putting her on her feet. "Go and find Mrs. Patmore; help her with whatever she's doing in the kitchen."

"O-okay Daddy." She backed away apprehensively.

Elspeth was a little unsettled but didn't hesitate to follow her father's orders… or at least seem to. She went around the corner and listened carefully.

"You couldn't have played a part in making a beautiful child like that." He joked. Carson stood rigid, not reacting to his former partner's teasing.

"She is my daughter, yes."

"Well she must take after her mother where is she I can't wait to meet her."

Charlie stared back at him, his eyes cold. Grigg grew nervous.

"Not." He laughed. "Not that I would try to take her Charlie about Alice…"

"You never could've taken her no matter how hard you tried and in fact, as I recall you once did try."

"Could've and I did?" He was confused, only remembering his own wife, Alice, who he'd taken from Carson.

"Elspeth's mother passed away when she was born." Carson found himself surprised to announce.

"O-oh I'm sorry I…"

Carson hesitated, knowing he didn't owe the man further explanation, but for some reason he continued.

" _ **Elsie**_." He almost choked on the name, he barely uttered it anymore, but it rolled off his tongue slowly, pointedly as if it were to be deeply cherished. "Do you remember Elsie Hughes? From Argyll? I'm sure you must. She was Elspeth's mother."

"Oh!" He understood suddenly. "Oh Charlie…oh Charlie I'm so, I'm so sorry…"

"We'll have no more discussion of it." He said, sternly. "Mr. Grigg what are you doing here?"

"Well that's just it… Charlie I'm sick and I need your help."

…..

An hour later

"Elspeth?" Isobel asked. She was surprised to find the little girl on her doorstep when she opened the front door.

"Hello Mrs. Crawley."

"Well hello. Elspeth how did you get here?" She asked, looking around for Carson or Cora.

"I walked!" She squeaked proudly, clapping softly for herself.

"Well we must phone your father at once." She said, taking her inside.

"Oh I'm sorry if I…" Elspeth was worried and thought she was in trouble for coming over.

"No, no my darling." Isobel smiled kindly getting on her knees. "Does anyone know you're here?" Elspeth shook her head no. "I don't at all disapprove of the fact that you came. You're quite delightful company Miss Carson." Elspeth giggled. "I just wouldn't want your Daddy or Mrs. Patmore or anybody else to worry. You're too little do walk around the village yourself you see."

Elspeth paused before continuing, feeling guilty that Mrs. Patmore and her Daddy were probably frantic with worry.

"But those other kids do it."

"Yes, but they are older than you and they all walk together. In a few years you'll be walking with them. Now, your father and then something to eat?"

"Mrs. Crawley." She said, stopping Isobel as she turned toward the phone. "I came to ask you something but shuu my Daddy can't know!"

"Oh?" Isobel was perplexed to hear this and wondered if she'd be alright with helping a little girl keep a secret from her father. "Let me phone him and then we'll talk. For now please, make yourself comfortable. Carson." Isobel said, she knew he'd been worried; he'd answered on the first ring. "I have your wandering little bundle of joy. Well it would seem she walked here."

Elspeth, who'd settled on the couch this time, watched anxiously, wondering if she'd be able to decipher whether or not she would be in trouble once she went home. She knew the answer was likely yes, but she had to do this.

"No, no she's no trouble at all. No. No need. If it will help Mrs. Patmore or you any, I'll keep her and bring her round to the kitchen before dinner. I could use the company. Alright then, good-bye."

"Am I in trouble?" She asked.

"Well that depends. What's this secret all about?"

"You have to promise not to tell, please Mrs. Crawley!"

"I need to know what it is first love, I'm sorry." Isobel apologized. Her maid was bringing in tea and cookies for them and Elspeth paused until she departed.

"My Daddy had a friend visit today." She began as she started munching on a cookie.

"Oh?"

"He knew him from when he was young. Don't tell Daddy I know he's an old Daddy." She whispered that part.

"Alright that I can promise." Isobel giggled.

"Anyway Mr. Grigg's wife died, like my Mummy, but he doesn't have a Downton Abbey or a little girl to take care of him and he told Daddy he was sick and needed a job."

"Oh I see."

"Daddy told him no even when he begged him, and he made him leave, he says he doesn't like Mr. Grigg."

"Did he say why?"

"Uh-huh, but I know he needs help and that's what you do, you help people."

"Yes I do." She admitted, seeing the child's qualm now. She sighed. "I will see what I can do Elspeth, but I shall have to speak to your father."

Elspeth put her head down.

"Elspeth, you were wrong to come here on your own, however I think your father has the right to know what an honorable little girl he has." Elspeth didn't know what that meant. "You're doing the right thing in trying to help this man, and moreover it's exactly what your mother would've done."

Elspeth looked up, a sparkle in her eye made Isobel almost jump. It looked just like Elsie.

"Really?"

"Yes. Your mother and I helped a few people together in our time." She smiled fondly.

Isobel paused, recalling the last two things she'd done for Elsie. She'd been helping to care for her while she was pregnant and during that time, had been insisting something was wrong. Had Clarkson listened, Elspeth might have her beloved mother. After the death Isobel had taken the baby home with her and cared for her for days, nearly weeks until Carson had the strength to take her home. The child had no idea about this, but Isobel had a spceical place in her heart for Elspeth because of it.

"Mrs. Crawley?"

"Yes?" She asked, pouring the girl a second cup of tea.

"Can you miss someone when you can't remember them?"

Isobel was taken aback, saddened by the child's question. She wasn't used to her questions in the same way everyone at the abbey was.

"Yes. I believe you can."

"Mrs. Crawley I think I miss my mummy." She admitted.

"Come here child." She said, outstretching her arms.

Elspeth hesitated and crawled into them. She liked Mrs. Crawley, who'd come over and given her a gift on her birthday, but she didn't know her as she knew Cora or Sybil or even Robert Crawley.

"Your mother was a kind woman. I thought of her as a friend and wish I'd known her better. But I do know one thing."

"Oh?"

"Your actions today show me not only that you're made of good stuff, Elspeth, but that you and your mummy share a heart." Elspeth's eyes welled with tears. She was a bit young to understand, but she did and she was touched by the idea.

"So even if Daddy is mad, I can know Mummy would've done the same thing?"

"She would've."

"Can we make mummy proud?" She asked innocently. Isobel's heart sunk.

"My dear, I'm sure mummy is quite proud every day, no matter what. And in this case, lets work together, to make sure your mummy AND your Daddy are proud.

…

Carson sighed as he hung up the phone; worried about the mischief his daughter was getting herself into. When he couldn't find her he'd started to worry that Grigg had taken her in retribution and had been about to call the police when Mrs. Crawley phoned. Now, he was more perplexed about his child than anxious and felt himself in a quandary about Grigg. Perhaps helping him would be the right thing? He hated the man, but knew he wasn't evil deep down… he just didn't want to admit it. They were a different class of man, and in Carson's eyes, that had meant a lot.

"Mr. Carson, good you're finally here, we need to talk. And where is Elspeth?!" She asked, walking into his pantry.

"Mrs. Patmore you look as if you've seen a ghost!" Carson laughed. "Elspeth's fine she's with Mrs. Crawley."

"Well that's just the thing, I think I have. Mrs. Crawley how'd she get there?!"

"We'll find out when she brings her round a dinner, it sounds like she just got curious and walked off. And what's this nonsense about a ghost?"

"Mr. Carson it… this is difficult to say."

"What is it?"

"It's about Elspeth. This morning she came to me you see and she told me her name wasn't Elspeth, that it was Charlotte. You didn't tell her that, did you?"

Carson stopped; his faced already turned ashen white.

"No." He said. "I did not."

"Mr. Carson she told me her mummy told her that. I think she needs to see one of those head doctors…"

"Mrs. Patmore my child is not crazy!"

"I'm not saying she's crazy and you know I love her like she were my own but I think she needs help, real help."

Carson sighed. "It's all this stuff with her mother. I allowed it at first she needed to know. I will never forget her all the days of my life." He bit his lip to keep her from crying. "I love her as much if not more than I did when she was here. She haunts me." He confessed. "Did you know that? I'd rather be haunted all eternity than loose site of her but… for Elspeth. This isn't healthy…I'll have a talk with her before we jump to any conclusions about doctors."

He waited until Beryl left to pull out Elsie's picture. The cook, of course, had thought he'd been speaking metaphorically about being haunted, sometimes he did too, but one gaze down into Elsie's face told him he was not.

…..

"It looks like my little girl had quite the adventure today." Carson said, tucking Elspeth into her bed. "Didn't you… _ **Charlotte**_?"

Elspeth looked up, her eyes widening in horror when he said this.

"D-Daddy you know?"

He sighed. "More importantly its how do you know? Who told you?"

"Mummy she's right there see…" She yawned as she pointed to the corner.

"He can't see me lass." Ghost Elsie soothed. "Not like you can."

Worried now, Carson laid his daughter down, tucked her in and pressed his palm against her forehead.

"Well your not too warm." He sighed. "I know you want your mummy, more than anything in the entire world. So do I. I loved her in a way that I can't even express and I miss her in a way I hope you'll never understand. But you can't pretend that she's here when she's not."

"But Daddy I…"

"No, no. Listen. And aside from that, your mother did plan on calling you Charlotte. She... she said it all the time when you were growing inside of her." Carson found himself surprised with his honestly and choice of words.

"Like Charlie." She observed.

"Yes, like Charlie. I don't know how you know any of that. But you are my child, I have been with you since you were a tiny baby, and I decided to call you Elspeth, to honor your mummy because it was her name."

"Is that what mummy was doing?"

"Yes." Carson felt ashamed for this; Charlotte was the last thing she should've wanted to name the baby given how he'd treated her and everything that had happened. That was part of the reason he'd changed it: he didn't deserve the honor of having a namesake and she had. "Elspeth I know you love mummy, I do too but she isn't with us. I know we've been learning a lot about her lately, but its time we put mummy aside for a while."

"Huh?" Elspeth asked, growing increasingly stressed with every syllable he uttered.

"It's time we stop talking so much about mummy, huh? Let's tuck her away in our hearts for a little while, alright Elspeth?"

The little girl started to cry. "No, no I don't wanna put her away! I don't wanna put her away!"

"Oh my love." He hugged her. "Daddy never wanted to put her away." His heart picked up speed rapidly at the memory of watching her be lowered into the ground. "I want her by my side and in my arms, but she's not. You and I are here, alive and well. It's not healthy to dwell on her everyday, she wouldn't want us to. I need you to try to not ask about mummy all the time." He didn't want to say it hurt Daddy but it did. "If not, I'm going to take your locket away for a while." He felt this was cruel but for her own good and didn't know what else to do.

"Nooooo! I'm trying to hard to remember, I don't wanna forget anymore!" She sobbed.

Tears started to roll down Carson's cheeks he had no idea his child was striving to remember something she'd never be able to and it crushed him.

"Mummy knows you were a newborn baby when you saw her last, that you wont ever be able to remember that my girl. But all you have to do to remember your mother, and to make her proud is be you. You may not know it, but just in being you, you keep her memory and her purpose alive for so many other people my darling girl."

Elspeth sobbed as she crawled into her father's lap and he hugged her tight, trying to hide that he was crying too. The ghost Elsie sat on the bed behind her daughter and began to sing.


	8. Penance

Ch 8- Penance

Spring 1914

Elsie cringed clutching her bag with one hand as she stared out the bus window into the rain searching desperately for anything that might translate to solace. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, her other hand pressed against flat against belly, feeling something inside no one else knew was there. She could feel it now a distinct little lump. A tear poured down her cheek but she didn't raise a finger to wipe it away. Instead she sat and ruminated, trying to justify it: to make herself alright with what was about to happen. She was about to be ripped away from the one little bit of solace that resided within her, the only thing that was her own.

'Elsie it has to be this way.' She told herself, trying to ensure she didn't start sobbing. 'It's better for you both there's no other way it can be…'

And then there was that man, he could make the difference, but he refused. In fact, he'd put her on the bus that morning leaving her to an uncertain fate.

'There's no other choice Elsie.' He'd said. 'Not for people like us.'

Sure she didn't have choices, not many anyway, but if she had she'd want more than anything to keep this tiny piece of herself, the only bit she was still pleased with and one that would bring her the utmost joy. She tried not to think of where she was going as the bus sped along. She'd heard of these places but had no idea what they were like or how they went about it. She knew it would hurt, that she might die, that this was no solution either.

She shut her eyes tighter, pressing her palm deeper in her gut, feeling the full outline of the lump against her hand. It was not a lump, but a person with a beating heart and her blood coursing through its primitive veins. It was the most precious person in her world the only one left she had any trust for and she was on her way to dispose of it. The way she saw it, life was over. She didn't want to return to Downton alone, empty and heartbroken. She didn't want to return to him: she'd almost rather die.

The bus stopped; lurching suddenly she moved forward in her seat and slammed back suddenly when the driver put the break on.

"Oh!" She cried out, freezing when she realized her arms were tight around her middle. She looked down her heart beating fast everything seemed to pause, in the stillness of the stopped bus. Very suddenly she felt the overwhelming need to throw up. Covering her mouth she pushed passed everyone and ran off the bus.

…

"What do you mean you didn't do it?" He asked, almost offended by her announcement.

"I didn't do it. Unlike you; I couldn't."

The next day came quickly and Elsie gave put up no pretense in telling him her news. She'd decided not to be nervous or cautious with him like she had when she'd first told him. She'd never thought he'd react the way he had or that he wouldn't be over the moon as she had been upon hearing the news. He'd given her no choices and now she'd turn the tables on him and give him no say.

"Mrs. Hughes I…"

Carson did not know what to say. He'd never in his wildest dreams anticipated that this was a possibility.

"I think we need to tell Lady Grantham." He said sternly.

"Oh, tell her what?" She asked. "That you've off and gotten me in a bad way?" She raised an eyebrow, knowing full well he planned on leaving himself out of any explanation that might be given as to Elsie's condition.

He sighed. "Elsie I don't want it this way; I want you with me…"

"Charlie you could've been with me." She said, putting her head down.

He knew what this met and didn't reply for a moment. It was over and that had never been his intent.

"Elsie…"

"I'm not doing all of the talking." She agreed to go upstairs with him.

…

"Excuse me?" Cora asked, putting down her needlepoint, shocked at Mrs. Hughes' news. "I'm sorry it's quite a shock."

"I know, m'lady."

Cora watched Mrs. Hughes, tears in her eyes as she put her head down in shame. She noted that Carson stood behind her stiff and staring straight ahead and looked between the two for a moment.

"Carson?" She asked.

"Yes my lady?"

"Do you know anything about this?"

"He does." Elsie couldn't help but speak up.

"M'lady…" Carson hesitated.

"He's the father." She confessed, tears pouring down her cheeks. She felt it right to say it. He deserved it more than she.

"I see." Cora believed her instantly.

She was floored, the whole thing seemed so uncharacteristic of Carson, and at the same time, she'd never disbelieve Mrs. Hughes on such a score, especially when she was obviously so crushed. Married and a lady, she couldn't imagine what it would feel like to be used and obviously betrayed in this way. It would take a long time and a lot of pain on everyone's part for Carson's and Cora to be alright with each other again.

"I understand if you would like me to leave, m'lady. I am keeping my baby, I don't know how but its what I must do. Please just give me a reference of some kind so I can give my little one some kind of life."

Cora could tell that Carson was angry now in the way he looked at the housekeeper from his place behind her and she did not like it. Elsie seemed afraid to move even to breathe.

"Mrs. Hughes." Cora told her, her tone stern at first, causing Elsie to hang her head lower. "You will always, always be welcome to stay here."

Carson and Elsie looked up in surprise at the same time.

"M'lady?" Elsie asked, not believing she could've heard her right.

"Yes. You and your baby are more than welcome to stay Mrs. Hughes. Although I could understand why you might not want to."

"No." Elsie dried her tears. "No I'll stay if I may m'lady. I like my place here, and I have Mrs. Patmore and Anna to help with the baby."

"And you have my full support." Cora smiled, watching Carson's face go white as a sheet.

"M'lady if I may. I was hoping to perhaps take some of my leave to go and see my sister while I'm expecting I need to get a way for a while."

"Take all the time Mrs. Hughes. I couldn't imagine what you're going through."

"Elsie." He protested, trying to grab her arm when they left the room.

"Don't touch me!" She cried, shaking herself off of him.

"Elsie I…"

"No! Don't crawl back to me I won't take you back!" She started sobbing, pushing him away. "Look what you tried to make me do! You tried to make me get rid of our child. You tried to make me kill our baby! Our baby!" She slapped him on the arm. "Get away from me, and stay the hell away from my child!"

…

November 1919

It was his penance. Day in and day out. Up at dawn, at work till dusk and Daddy every moment in between. It was work that never stopped, joy he did not deserve and a price he never stopped paying. There was something distinct about every tear, every smile, every kiss on the cheek given by his little girl that made him think deeply on his Elsie and what he'd done to her: how he'd destroyed her and broken her heart. Elsie was never the same again after the day she left and sometimes, when he looked at his daughter it was like watching a ghost, his happy Elsie, long gone now, her spirit living on in this precious little thing she'd left him alone with. Sometimes he was sure she'd done it maliciously. She'd never come back, but here she was loving him still.

"Daddy. I'm ready to go!" Elspeth said cheerily, coming down the stairs.

"Are you my little love?" He smiled helping her with her coat and boots.

It was cold and he put a little cap on her head before they went outside. He picked her up again, putting her on his shoulder as they began their walk to Downton.

"Daddy?" She asked excitedly, swinging her legs so they hit his chest just a bit.

"Yes my love?"

"Can we celebrate Auntie Cora's holiday?" She inquired.

"Thanksgiving?" He wasn't sure that's what she'd met.

"Uh-huh!" She squeaked, clapping a bit.

"Hmmm it depends on what you have in mind, Elspeth. Daddy will think about it."

"Daddy what are you thankful for?" She asked.

They paused as they walked by the cemetery. Neither of them spoke, Elspeth especially careful not to mention her mother: she didn't want her necklace taken away.

"Hi Mummy." He heard her whisper. The little girl waived at the cemetery. He elected not to acknowledge it.

"You." He said. "I'm very thankful for you, Elspeth Carson." Carson kissed his daughter's cheek, putting her down once they got to Downton. He watched her for a moment, just thinking of her name, it was why he'd named her that. All was made right in her name: Elspeth Carson, who her mother should've been.

"I'm thankful for you too Daddy." She looked up at him, her eyes sparkling.

Carson blinked, for a moment, he saw Elsie, not Elspeth.

"Have a good day my little girl." He smiled, sending her off to Mrs. Patmore's kitchen. He watched her walk away for a moment, parting with her in the morning reminded her of how he and Elsie would meet and part many times during the day.

"I am the most thankful for her my Elsie, the most thankful." He whispered bittersweetly, putting his head down. He didn't see the ghost Elsie come and stand beside him, looking at him carefully as he started to cry. "But I remain so thankful for you and every moment I ever spent with you, I'm only sorry I wasted so many of them." The words barely left his lips as Elsie's ghost brushed his lips with hers. He paused a moment looking up, for the first time thinking he saw what was really there.


	9. This Is How I See You

Ch 8- This Is How I See You

Despite how wonderful her fifth birthday had been, Elspeth Carson didn't know how grand a birthday gift could be until she received Lady Mary's present several weeks later. The little girl had been upset when Anna took Mrs. Patmore that morning and put her in the riding habit she'd previously resisted. No one knew that the precocious child had made an appointment and was expecting Mrs. Crawley to pay her a visit any hour.

"What is it?" She asked, squinting when Anna placed the riding helmet atop her head. She didn't like it. It always slid down her face just a bit and covered her eyes to where she couldn't see very well at all.

"Lady Mary has a present for you, but it's in the stable." Anna explained, taking her hand.

Elspeth had wondered why she hadn't received a gift from her godmother on the occasion of her birthday when even her deceased mother had managed one but she disliked Mary enough to where she didn't even care.

Elspeth held on to her helmet with one hand and Anna's hand with the other, trying as best as she could to keep up with her. As expected, Mary was waiting for them in the middle of the stable, wearing a habit identical to Elspeth's. The child was surprised and a bit resentful when Anna left her there without another word save a squeeze of her hand.

"What do you think?" Mary asked, smiling up at a big white and brown horse whose reigns she held tightly.

Elspeth wasn't really sure. She didn't like riding very much and wanted to return to the kitchen.

"He's nice." She said simply, reaching out to pet the horse's nose.

"It's a she and she's yours." Mary informed, satisfied with what she thought was an incredible present.

Elspeth paused taken aback by the gesture. Years would pass before she realized that Mary was trying her best to make amends, to put forth an effort that showed she really cared. Elspeth marveled at the gift, unsure as to what she truly thought.

"Can I name her?" She asked.

"Of course."

"I don't know though… I don't think she'll fit in my room."

Mary laughed and bent down to pick the child up. "Don't be silly, she'll live here with all of the other horses, but she will be your horse for many years to come, now what's her name?"

Elspeth looked back at the horse from her place in Mary's arms, recognizing that the animal had a kind spirit and a sweet face, it seemed to want to get to know her if that were possible. She reached out to pet it, as she studied the horse, noting she was predominantly brown with some large white patches that reminded her somehow of tartan (although they really didn't look like tartan).

"Argyll." She replied confidently.

…..

Elspeth loved her mother so that she would name her brand new horse after her birthplace. Even Mary picked up on the reference and considered the bitter sadness in it all as the two rode out side by side. The Lady watched the child as she rode, seeming to command the horse with the slightest moves. She knew the girl didn't really fancy riding that she feared it a bit and she thought that that was a shame, because she was a natural at it, especially for a young child who hadn't been riding on her own very long.

But it was more than that. Elspeth couldn't see.

'It's all a shame.' Mary thought it might even be a waste. It was why she reached out: she didn't want it to be a waste. 'A perfectly lovely, capable child whose heart its totally broken, whose blinded by her heartache. If anyone ever needed their mother, surely it was this child.'

Mary was not the most considerate human to ever walk the planet, but she saw something in Elspeth no one else did, that her mother was consuming her, her fierce loyalty keeping her from recognizing things about herself, things that were uniquely Elspeth: like the fact that she could be a champion equestrian if given the opportunity. And Mary wanted to give her that opportunity.

Mary didn't necessarily like the realizations that accompanied this thought. Perhaps she could learn something from Elspeth's fierce respect of and loyalty to a mother she'd never know? Mary recognized that she had all the loyalty in the world, loyalty to family, a title and most of all to Downton. But her consideration of Elspeth and her attitudes made her realize that maybe, like the child, her own loyalties were holding her back from happiness and self-realization.

Perhaps turning Matthew down when she did was obsessive, a bit like naming your horse after your deceased mother's birthplace. Even so, Mary carried on, deciding it was time to discuss another sensitive topic with the child, one she'd brought up before in error.

"Elspeth I ... I wanted to apologize." She began.

"Oh?"

"Yes. About your father." Mary swallowed, nervously searching the child's eyes as she reached out and gently grabbed Argyll's reigns, stopping both horses high on a hill that overlooked the abbey. "I should never have told you that your father would die one day it was not my place." She said, the child looked down sadly. "It happens to everyone you know, one day it will be my turn and yours too. It'll be a long time from now." She tried to convince. "All of it. But please, take the horse and the riding and know I never mean you anything but good Elspeth."

…

One day, Elspeth would look back and see Mary's actions as loving, generous and quite like how she and Mrs. Crawley had tried to be. The little girl went back to Mrs. Patmore's kitchen with a slightly different attitude after her lesson.

"Lady Mary says I have talent." She said, excited as Beryl tied the little girl's tiny apron around her waist. "Auntie, what's that?"

"Oh my love it means you're really good at something." She said, kissing her cheek.

Beryl was a little jealous; she didn't want to loose _her child_ to Lady Mary or anyone else. All this talk of Mary, and horses and Mrs. Crawley paying her a visit (she didn't believe that last part) made her nervous. Still, Elspeth happily went back to her unofficial kitchen job, something she was also quite good at.

"Elspeth." Mrs. Patmore raised an eyebrow. An hour had passed and she was floored when she received a message from upstairs. "It would seem you have a guest. Mrs. Crawley's upstairs for you."

"Oh!" Elspeth was happy to hear it she jumped up out of her chair and ran out of the room before Mrs. Patmore could protest.

"That girl." She shook her head. "What will she be up to next?"

…

"Tea please Thomas?" Elspeth asked, sequestering her guest in the small library before demanding, in the kindest way possible, to be served.

Thomas raised an eyebrow, wondering where the child got the nerve to even ask such a thing, not realizing that Cora had given her permission given that the little girl was entertaining a member of the family. When Thomas closed the door, Elspeth climbed onto the couch alongside Isobel, her little feet dangling off the side.

"Your Mr. Grigg can stay with me for the time being." She said. "I've already made the arrangements."

"Oh?!" The child marveled.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Crawley, did you just say the name of a Mr. Grigg?" Carson asked, coming into the room with tea on a tray.

He'd been surprised to hear Thomas inform that his little girl was upstairs ordering tea for herself and a guest and had decided to see it for himself, finding it more than improper.

"Uh-oh." Elspeth whispered.

"Why yes." Isobel said honestly, putting her hand kindly on Elspeth's shoulder. "I did."

The little girl had wanted to help the downtrodden man without her father finding out. She was mortified and afraid because she knew she'd been disobedient. In an instant, she wanted to sink into the couch cushions and fade away.

"Your lovely little girl let me know he needed help… knowing I like to help people in need." She covered.

"Did she?" Carson questioned, looking down at Elspeth who lowered her head, almost in shame.

"I think she's very admirable, don't you Carson?" Isobel asked, taking the little girl and putting her on her lap.

"A bit too admirable if you ask me." He said sharply, raising his eyebrow.

Isobel was growing a tad weary, knowing she may've overstepped her bounds where the child's father was concerned, but that she was honoring the legacy of its mother.

"Daddy I sorry." She bit her lip, her eyes welling with tears.

Elspeth didn't truly fear her father. But her will to help this man had been stronger than her real fear: of dishonoring the father she loved desperately. Isobel said nothing and gave the girl her sleeve to use to dry her eyes.

"But…" The girl began. "But daddy, daddy people helped us when we needed help when I was a baby, and when we still need help." She hiccupped.

Carson sighed, grappling with his combined anger and amusement. He didn't know what to say first or how to say it.

'Reminds you of someone, doesn't it Charlie?' Ghost Elsie asked almost flirtatiously, whispering in his ear. She crossed the room and sat next to her daughter and Isobel. Elspeth could see her out of the corner of her eye and almost jumped.

Carson sighed. "Elspeth we will discuss this later, Mrs. Crawley thank you for your kindness in caring for Mr. Grigg and in your deliberations with my overzealous little girl. I insist you bill me for his stay with you."

"No, no please Carson I insist that…" Isobel began.

"No, no. I insist. Please."

Isobel sighed when Carson left the room. "I suppose he's not too mad, I wouldn't worry. You've done the right thing." She said to the child, noting her eyes still glued to the couch next to them.

The little girl clutched Isobel's arm gently, needing the comfort from her hug.

"What is it my love?" She whispered, knowing the child must need comfort.

"Mrs. Crawley I see my mummy." She whispered.

Isobel looked down shocked at the child's accusation and pressed her hand against her forehead, feeling for a temperature and decided to discuss this with Dr. Clarkson.

…..

Two Weeks Later

Two weeks passed quickly by. At first, Carson had been angry with his daughter for going behind his back and had told Mrs. Patmore not to supply her with dessert for several days. But his heart had softened by the time that Mrs. Crawley had announced she'd found a job for his former friend in Dublin. Reluctantly, he'd decided to accompany Mrs. Crawley and his little girl to the train station to see him off.

"I've changed my ways." He promised Carson. "I know you'll never forgive me, but I'm not the same man you knew. Either way, I'll never forget the kindness of your late Elsie who saved me once before, so long ago."

Elspeth tilted her head, her eyes widening in surprise. Mummy had saved Mr. Grigg?

"And I'll certainly never forget the kindness of Mrs. Crawley or of your wee lass." Grigg took the liberty of bending down to Elspeth's level. "You are your mother and a good soul, and I could never thank you enough sweet child. Please when you grow up, I hope you're still just like your mummy it'd do the world a whole lot of good Miss Carson."

Elspeth was more confused now and almost wanted to cry. 'How come everyone, even strangers, knew mummy but me?'

Elspeth stayed with Isobel as Carson walked him closer to the train, reluctantly discussing their past. Carson reminded him that never was a long-time and finally made amends with him, shaking his hand. In that instant, Elspeth's bold action became not just something that changed Grigg's life, but brought healing to Carson's heart from a friendship long ago destroyed.

Carson knew this in an instant and returned to Isobel's side, placing his daughter atop his shoulders.

"Mrs. Crawley, thank you for helping me help people." She said as the train rolled away.

"It was my pleasure Elspeth darling." She said, kissing her cheek. "I think in the future though, we should probably seek daddy's approval?" She voiced, meaning in some way to apologize to Carson for overstepping her bounds.

"No, no." Carson said. "Mrs. Crawley you're a wonderful judge, and so is my Elspeth's little heart."

Part of the way home they parted with Mrs. Crawley and Carson made a turn in a strange direction.

"Daddy where are we going?"

"I'm taking you for ice cream." He said.

"Daddy mad no more?"

Carson laughed. "No. Your daddy is so proud. So very proud and so… relieved." He was relieved because he knew now, without a doubt the woman she'd become whether or not be around to see it. She would be wonderful and make him and Elsie so proud: she'd live on for them. He prayed quietly he would see it. And see it he would.

"You did the right thing my Elspeth. You helped Mr. Grigg, and you helped daddy do the right thing too and…" Carson sighed, not knowing how to say this. He took Elspeth off of his shoulders, placing her on her feet. He wanted to look into her little eyes when he said it.

"Mr. Grigg is right about you. I hope very much as you grow, that you grow into your mother but I know that in here." Carson's eyes welled with tears as he pointed at Elspeth's heart. "In here you are just like mummy. In everyway already." Carson's heart broke at the thought that she kept Elsie alive. But it was true.

"Mrs. Crawley was right? Mummy would be proud?"

"She told you that?"

"Hmhmm." She nodded.

"Yes." He smiled, tucking her hair behind her ears, letting the precious strands of his baby's hair flow gently through his fingers, feeling so blessed to have her as his child, as the only thing in his world.

'If you were to only have one thing in life, what a thing to have.'

Carson knew in that instant that he and his child would be all right.

"Daddy is very proud and addition fairly amused. When you… when you angered about Mr. Grigg, knowing the better thing to do, that was very much like mum as well."

Elspeth giggled. In that instant, Carson knew time was passing: they were suddenly able to think about mummy and laugh.

"Come along my wee lass." He said, putting her back on his shoulders. "I think we both need the ice cream."


	10. Pieces Of You

Ch 9- Pieces of You

"He's an exceptional daddy. He didn't think he could do it and my is he just perfect." Ghost Elsie whispered, her heart melting at the sight of her beloved cuddling their little girl as they slept.

There had been a storm that night and so Elspeth had seen every need to crawl into bed with her dad as he read, asking him if he'd ever been afraid of the storms.

Ghost Elsie smiled deeply, brushing Elspeth's hair out of her face as she sucked her thumb, caressing Charlie's cheek with her other hand. Elsie bit her lip, leaning her head down against both of theirs and blowing a kiss. Neither of them stirred but both could feel her presence and calmed in their sleep, her name on the tips of their tongues.

"My love and my baby."

Elsie beamed, happy about all they were accomplishing as a family without her, and even prouder of how Elspeth was growing. Charlie would never guess she was watching from so nearby and was taking increasing pride in the job he was doing in fathering their child.

"Thank you so much, for being the best pieces of me: the both of you."

"Elsie." Charlie whispered in his sleep.

"Mama." Elspeth mumbled, clutching her father's pajama top as Elsie faded away.

….

"Daddy!" Elspeth cried, coming down the stairs.

Carson sighed, hearing his little girl's voice ring throughout the corridor.

"Daddy!" She cried, rushing to him.

"Elspeth my love." He sighed, exasperated when he came into the hall. "What has daddy told you about speaking so loudly?"

"Sowwy." She giggled, putting her hands behind her back.

Carson's heart smiled, her adorable little pout looked just like his Elsie's. He paused a moment, pretending to be cross with her, then quickly picked her up and lifted her in the air, causing her to laugh so joyfully that he was reminded how great a gift she was.

"Now what is it my little love?" He asked, kissing her cheek and settling her into his arms.

"Daddy there's a man upstairs."

"Oh?"

"I answered the door."

"And what did I say about answering the door without me present?"

"But daddy Thomas was there, I promised I wouldn't do it alone!... Anyway…"

Elspeth didn't know how to tell her father this. Part of her was upset, another part intrigued.

"Whose this mysterious man at the door?" He asked, holding her close.

"I don't know but he's asking for my mummy."

Carson's face went white as a sheet.

…

"I'll get it, I'll get it!" Elspeth had exclaimed.

Thomas cleared his throat, getting in front of the little girl.

"Pwease!" She cried. "Then piggy back ride?"

"Alright." He sighed, pretending to be displeased. "You may get the door Elspeth. But only because I'm _RIGHT_ here."

Elspeth answered excitedly, expecting the post, or a townsperson or even a random Lord (many of Lord and Lady Grantham's guests were very kind to the butler's precocious little girl). Instead, Elspeth met the gaze of a kind but unfamiliar bearded man about her father's age. She tilted her head in confusion as Thomas watched curiously, wondering how this would go.

"Hi." She squeaked.

"Hello." The man smiled kindly, getting on his knees. "And who might you be?"

"Elspeth Carson."

The man smiled, knowing who she was the moment he looked in her little eyes: the resemblance was undeniable. He never thought in coming here, that it would be so easy to find her. He found himself both upset and enchanted by this encounter at once.

"Your voice is funny." She remarked, thinking she'd heard the lilt somewhere before. He chuckled.

"I'm from Scotland wee one." He said, wondering how she didn't already know that. "I'm here to see Elsie Hughes, can you please find her for me?"

Elspeth gasped, her little eyes growing wide as saucers.

"Daddy! Daddy!" She screamed, turning around and running for the green baize door.

"You'll have to excuse her sir, she's a little excitable around strangers." Thomas stepped in. "What's your name again?"

…

"Joe Burns." Carson reflected.

"Whose that daddy?" Elspeth asked.

"I must go up." He said nervously, it was obvious he was panicking. "I'll leave you with your Auntie Beryl."

"No! Daddy I wanna go."  
"I don't think this is appropriate for you to…"

"But he knows my mummy."

Charlie sighed. "Elspeth I… fine you may accompany me."

Charlie had a lot to say to Joe Burns: some of it he didn't want Elspeth to hear, it was far too distressing. But, he figured the little girl would be his ambassador in some sense. She looked so much like Elsie, after all. Charlie nervously went up to the sitting room where Thomas had left Mr. Burns with a cup of tea and biscuits.

"Mr. Burns." Carson said, coming into the room.

Joe stood and greeted Charlie, who sat down uneasily across from him. Carson placed his little girl on his knee, finding he felt much more at ease with her in his arms than he would've otherwise. Elspeth didn't know what was going on. It hadn't happened in a while and he hated when it did: when he had to explain Elsie's death, when he came across someone who didn't know.

Joe simply thought that her husband was cross about his unexpected arrival and not allow her to see him.

"I didn't know Elsie was married, or had a little girl." He smiled. "It's nice to meet you Mr. Carson, I take it?"

"Yes. I'm Carson, the butler. This is my daughter, Elspeth."

"You're the image of your mummy at that your age." Burns said.

Elspeth giggled, the comment making Carson ache. He couldn't be reminded of the fact any more than he already was. Burns continued.

"Where is the lovely Mrs. Carson?"

Elspeth paused, knowing better than to say her mother had never been a Carson, but in that moment something about the thought gave her a moment of pause in a way it hadn't before. Carson bristled at the question, finding comfort when his little girl took his hand.

"Mr. Burns…" Carson swallowed hard, this entire meeting painful for him. "Elsie…" It hurt to say the name. It made his heart squeeze so tight he thought he'd drop dead. He took a deep breath, willing his body to recover at once for Elspeth's sake and her sake alone. "Mr. Burns I'm sorry to inform you, she passed away several years ago during Elspeth's birth."

He hoped that would be a sufficient explanation as to what had happened, and that he would refrain from further questioning. Charlie was surprised to find a look of utter devastation playing across the man's face. He resented it a little. Sure he'd known her, grown up with her: but he didn't have the right to feel devastated. Charlie was still just as devastated as he'd been the moment he said good-bye. It was a feeling he'd connected with intimately, following a deep period of brooding after Elsie's death that had overtaken his heart, body and soul. It was something he'd never get over, and something he'd always be very possessive of. It belonged to him, and no one else in quite the same way; after all, he'd been her best friend, her lover, and her betrayer.

His devastation had marked her for death.

Joe was shocked, he'd come here to marry her and when he arrived, been greeted by a vibrant little girl in her image. The last thing he ever expected was to be informed she was dead. Joe found himself startled, crushed and barely capable of speech.

"I-I had no idea: Mr. Carson I'm so sorry for your loss."

"Y-you knew her as a lass then?" He moved on, not wanting to converse more about her demise.

"That's right." His voice cracked, he thought he was going to cry.

Elspeth studied the man's face carefully, noting his upset.

"Do I really look just like my mummy?"

Joe stared back at Elspeth, the resemblance chilling him to the bone. There she was before him: Elsie at five.

"Yes lass you do: the image."

Mr. Burns swallowed hard, now distressed that he'd come. He felt badly for his friend, and foolish that he'd come. But he couldn't feel worse about anything than the fact that this child should loose her mother before she'd had the chance to know her, and yet have the curse of looking exactly like her.

Elspeth smiled, realizing the way he said lass sounded exactly like the woman who visited her in her dreams.

"What brings you here, Mr. Burns?" The visit was making Carson feel sick and he wanted with everything in him to simply get on with it.

Burns paused, realizing he couldn't tell the woman's widower that he'd come there to ask for her hand in marriage.

"Passing through." He lied, pouring himself some tea.

"Oh?"

"Yes, yes. To London and I remembered she lived here… I try to keep in touch with my childhood friends and it'd been many years."

Carson didn't believe him, but with Elsie gone and his daughter present he figured there wasn't much a point in challenging him.

"I'd never have gone with him anyway Charlie." Elsie whispered.

In fact she'd run from Joe at a young age because deep inside she knew Charlie was out there and waiting for her. She'd situated herself behind the sofa on which her love and baby, sat.

"You know I love you like you are part of me." She continued. "And I would've died empty, had I never found you."

In that instant Carson could hear her voice clear as a bell. For a moment, his heart stopped. He shook his head, trying to shake her voice out of it.

Carson's head was spinning and was grateful that it soon came time to escort their guest outside.

"You're part of me Charlie." Ghost Elsie pointed out. "What's so hard to understand about the fact that you can still hear me?"

"Good-bye!" Elspeth cried cheerfully, her feet atop of her father's.

She liked to walk atop her father's feet. It was a game he'd started with her when he was teaching her to walk, a game people only seem to play with fathers. Now that he was busy saying goodbye to her mother's friend, Elspeth somehow found it the most convenient time to grab her father's hands and jump on his feet. Carson played along for a moment and then lifted her off.

"Elspeth, go downstairs and tell your Auntie Beryl it's alright to ring the gong. Can you do that?"

Elspeth nodded quickly and ran off, so excited to be given an important job that she forgot about her fascination with her mother's guest. What she hadn't known was that fate had almost had a very different plan. This was not the first time Mr. Burns had come to Downton. In fact he'd been there several years prior, not long before Elspeth was conceived. He'd sent a letter, a little over a year before the child was born. As a result, he and Elsie had met at a fair and gone to dinner together, an activity that had made Carson scathingly angry.

" _B-but he can't marry you. I'm going to marry you!" Carson gulped, devastated as he watched her get ready._

 _Elsie sighed, turning from her place looking in the mirror. She paused for a moment and got up to kiss him. "Charlie Carson. I promise I'll never belong to any man but you."_

Carson almost shuddered, remembering the way her doe eyes stared up and into his as she said it. He should've done it then, that night: gone off and married her. Burns' visit had not threatened Charlie's standing in the contest for Elsie's heart. Both were in love past the point of there being a contest. But the man's question had put a considerable rift in their trust for each other.

' _Will you marry me?'_

Joe Burns had traveled miles to ask a woman who was almost a stranger to him to spend the rest of her life in his care. He was ready, right then. But Charlie still needed his time.

Carson, puffed up his chest, unconsciously feeling threatened by the much smaller man who'd taken an action he'd been unwilling to: marry her, _right then_.

'It's not his fault, it's yours.' Something in his mind pushed, but Charlie wouldn't accept it.

It wasn't just the pregnancy, you see, that had put a rift between Carson and Mrs. Hughes. She was deeply hurt that she got a serious proposal from a near stranger, when the love of her life could've married her but chose to the security of his career first.

' _If I'd been pregnant by Joe, he would make it right.'_ She'd spat once.

The claim crushed him even to this day, and she hadn't even meant it: she'd simply reacted out of her own pain. Elsie never would've been pregnant by Joe, for she didn't love him enough. Elspeth had been made out of deep love, and a need for one partner to better understand the other, something that could only be reconciled now in the child.

Joe felt ill at ease, being left alone with Carson and sensed his anger the moment he sent his daughter away. He'd had no idea she was married when he saw her last. He couldn't believe his embarrassment: he'd proposed to a married woman. Why hadn't she told him?

"Good day Mr. Burns." Charlie escorted him out. "I'm sure she would've appreciated your coming." He couldn't bring himself to say her name.

"Thank you for your hospitality, Mr. Carson. I'm so sorry for your loss. She was a wonderful woman."

Carson paused. He'd been about to say: 'She never would've gone with you. Not in a million years.' But refrained. Instead he found himself calmed by the other man's words.

"Thank you, Mr. Burns. I appreciate the sentiment. She was a wonderful woman indeed."

…

Beryl rang the gong herself and quickly went to work finishing the rest of supper.

"I'm hungry!" Elspeth cried, clutching her surrogate mother's skirt. "Can I please have something? Please, auntie!"

"No, you know we don't eat for another hour or more." Daisy tried to instruct.

"Daisy don't be so sharp with the lass!" Beryl accused. "She's little and she's fussy. You can have a cookie, but just one!" Beryl handed the little girl a single sugar cookie. "Now go and find Miss Baxter, hum? And after you bring her to me you can help with the potatoes."

Daisy sighed, frustrated about the fact that she was expected to help with Elspeth and yet got yelled at every time she disciplined the little girl.

Elspeth bit into the cookie, munching happily and hoping to run into Miss Baxter, who was new in the house and very fun to play with.

"Miss Baxter!" She called.

Elspeth froze when she saw Cora's bell ring on the board, and knew instantly that her new friend was now otherwise occupied. In her moment of pause, the little girl realized that she was all alone in the hall and her mother's abandoned sitting room door caught her eye. Knowing it was a bad idea; she tiptoed to the door and snuck inside, accidently leaving the door ajar.

The little girl looked around amazed, wondering what it would be like to walk in any time she liked and find the mother she'd never known sitting there, waiting with open arms. Elspeth dropped to the floor and looked around fast, surveying her surroundings.

"Mummy I miss you. I met your friend today…" She whispered, knowing she wasn't supposed to talk to her mother. But she'd been just loud enough.

Baxter had come to the kitchen without Elspeth, which sent Beryl off to look for her. She'd quickly found the child in Elsie's old sitting room, talking to herself.

"I love you so very much, m'lass." Came a voice that caused Elspeth to clap.

"Oh mummy there you are, I hear you."

Elsie was of course there in spirit, but she didn't appear to Beryl who watched the child with saddened eyes.

"Oh my lord." The cook whispered sadly to herself, her heart on her chest, distressed for the little girl she'd raised. "Elspeth." She cleared her throat.

"Auntie what?" Elspeth asked, getting to her feet and rushing to see the cook.

Mrs. Patmore tried her best to hide the tears that pooled in her eyes and got on her knees.

"Elspeth, you know I… there's nothing I can do, I could never replace your mummy but _I_ love you and _I'm_ here for you."

Elspeth smiled and hugged her aunt tight. "I love you too."

"Come on love." Beryl picked the girl up. "It's time for cooking."

"Okay." Elspeth closed her eyes and laid her head on her neck.

Beryl ran her fingers through the child's hair as she sighed. Elspeth was happy: it felt nice to be hugged by her loving aunt when she missed her mummy so much. She held on to Beryl tight, watching as the image of her mother followed them, smiling bright. Elsie stopped just as they were about to turn into the kitchen and waived, signaling that she could follow no further.

"Ni mummy." Elspeth whispered impossibly quietly, but Beryl heard.

It was then she decided she had to get help for the little girl, whether Carson liked it or not.


End file.
